That's just the way it is
by Sandra S
Summary: Life is difficult especially when you're caught in the middle of two men. Heed author's note in profile. COMPLETE
1. Reunion

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
Author's note: The sequel to "How did this happen?" - the first fic I've posted. You should have read it before you start with this one or some things will be confusing.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
Annabelle is sound asleep and as usual I can't take my eyes off her. She's so beautiful, my little daughter, so sweet and so totally mine. I must have already spent hours like this, just standing and watching - even more hours carrying her with me, nursing her, loving her with all my heart. Life is such a tangled mystery. It twists and it turns, it throws you upside down and spins you around ... and in the end everything is different and then you start all over again. My life certainly turned over in Paraguay. It was terrible - and turned somehow out to be the best thing that ever happened in my life. I really doubt my little baby would be here without Paraguay. And it hadn't looked like that at all after we returned to the States. It was such a strange homecoming. I never found the time to think things over because there were endless briefings and meetings and reports to be written. Clayton Webb was in no condition to do it for the CIA and Gunny had been ordered directly to another mission and never came back to Washington ... so all was dumped on my head. I was just amazed by the amount of paperwork they wanted me to do. And I thought the military was exaggerating its bureaucracy. So I stumbled rather unprepared into my first day back to duty...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Parking lot of JAG Headquarters  
  
Colonel Sarah Mackenzie took one last deep breath and climbed out of her corvette. Carefully she gathered her briefcase, shut the door, locked it and made sure her hat was sitting perfectly on her head. Once again she was grateful the cast was on her left forearm so she was able to drive. She looked to the entrance, lifted her chin and straightened her shoulders. She was able to do this. It wasn't like she hadn't seen any of her friends in the past week. She got visits from Bud and Harriet and Sturgis. But this was her first day back at work and it was making her ... nervous.  
  
Touching her hat once more she aimed for the stairs and greeted the guard who stood at attention. The whole way up to her office she had to nod and greet and smile to the "good morning, Colonel" and "it's good to see you, Colonel" and "welcome back, Ma'am". As soon as she reached the bullpen Harriet hurried up to her - as best as somebody could hurry with an 'I'm- already-VERY-pregnant' belly.  
  
"Ma'am," Harriet's smile was warm and honest. "It's good to have you back, Ma'am."  
  
Mac smiled too. "It's good to *be* back, Harriet. Is the Admiral already in?"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am. He wants to see you."  
  
Mac nodded and walked to her office where she put her briefcase down. She took a moment to look around. It was kind of surreal that it still looked exactly the same way she was remembering it. As if nothing had happened in the meantime. But almost everything was different now. There had been Paraguay and Harm and ... Clay. Things were complicated since Paraguay. Harm had left the Navy in his effort to find her - and Clay nearly died. And he confessed... No. Mac shook her head in an attempt to clear it off her thoughts. This was neither the time nor the place to think of Clayton Webb. She reminded herself that her CO was waiting and walked over to his office. Tiner jumped to his feet.  
  
"Good morning, Colonel, you can go right in. And Ma'am - it's good you're back again."  
  
"Thank you, Tiner." Mac knocked at the door and entered. In front of Chegwidden's desk she came to attention.  
  
"Sir, Colonel Mackenzie reporting as ordered, Sir."  
  
"At ease, Colonel." Admiral AJ Chegwidden put his reading-glasses down and stepped around the table to shake her hand. "I'm glad to have you back."  
  
"I'm glad to be back, Sir," answered Mac honestly. She took a seat as Chegwidden motioned her to. A few seconds he stood in front of her with his hands clasped behind his back then he circled back behind his desk and sat down. His questioning eyes added to her nervousness and she needed all her strength not to shift under his gaze. Finally Chegwidden looked down at his hands, folded on the desk, and then back up into her eyes.  
  
"You're sure you're already up to this, Mac? It's no problem to give you some leave. It's just been a week since you've returned and I know it wasn't exactly a relaxing one. You've been through a lot lately..."  
  
"Sir -" Mac interrupted, swallowed and tried again. "Permission to speak freely, Sir?"  
  
"Granted."  
  
"I would rather return to work if you don't mind, Sir. I - I need something to keep me ... occupied." This time she couldn't stop herself from shifting uncomfortably.  
  
"Nightmares?" he asked softly. She was about to deny but thought better of it.  
  
"I wish it'd be only in the night, Sir," she confessed quietly. Chegwidden just nodded. He understood perfectly.  
  
"Well, Colonel, if I can promise you anything then enough work to keep you occupied." He handed her a stake of files from his desk. "Start with the Taylor case, the rest is not so important. I want your first report within the next two days."  
  
"Yes, Sir." Mac took the files and got up.  
  
"And Mac -" Chegwidden hold her gaze, "If you need to talk - you know where to find me."  
  
Mac swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. "Thank you, Sir."  
  
As she was about to walk to the door Tiner's voice came over the intercom. "Sir, Commander Rabb has arrived."  
  
Chegwidden noticed the stumble in Mac's step. He also saw her flinch at his answer. "Very good, Tiner. Send *Mister* Rabb in."  
  
He watched motionless as Tiner opened the door and stepped aside to let Harmon Rabb into the room. The former commander stopped short at the sight of Mac. For a second a wordless exchange seemed to happen then Mac abruptly dropped her gaze and hurried outside. Harm turned his head to look after her before regaining his composure and facing his former CO.  
  
"Close the door, Tiner. I'm not available for the next fifteen minutes." Chegwidden fixed his eyes on the man in front of him.  
  
***  
  
- JAG Headquarters, 10 minutes later  
  
Mac had dumped the files on her desk and then voted for a cup of coffee. She needed something to calm her shaking nerves down. Seeing Harm was unexpected. Oh, she had seen him once or twice at Langley - but only out of a safe distance. Yes, she'd avoided him. Avoided seeing him, avoided talking to him. She hadn't been ready to talk to him. She wasn't sure if she was now.  
  
Sipping the hot liquid she settled down behind her desk. She tried to concentrate on the Taylor file but her eyes kept moving up and peering out into the bullpen. What were they talking about? Why now? Would Chegwidden allow Harm to return? What was the position of the SecNav? What -?  
  
'Stop it! Stop thinking about that!' Mac forced her eyes back to the file. She reached for her cup, looked up again - and nearly jumped at the sight of Harm standing in the door.  
  
For some embarrassing seconds a dead silence hung between them. Then Harm cleared his throat.  
  
"Hi, Mac."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"How's your arm?"  
  
Mac knocked on the cast and forced a smile. "They've promised to take it off as soon as possible but right now - it's itching. What - what were you talking about with Chegwidden?"  
  
Harm came fully into the room and shut the door. Mac's heart made a little jump.  
  
"I asked him to take me back. In fact I've already asked last week but he never answered my letter and he refused to see me until today."  
  
"And how - what...?"  
  
Harm grinned weakly. "Well, it wasn't that bad. Except for the dressing down. To be honest - he chewed me out pretty good." He imitated Chegwidden's stern voice, "'I've said I'm *considering* taking you back, *Mister* Rabb. And the only reason why I do this is the fact that without you and Colonel Mackenzie these missiles would have been fired - and only God knows how many people would have been killed.'" He grimaced and continued in his normal voice: "The rest was almost a piece of cake. The usual - that he's expecting me to work my ass off, to cause no more trouble and to take the worst and ugliest cases. And to convince him that I'm *really sure* I want to stay in the Navy forever."  
  
Mac held her breath. "And?!"  
  
Harm shrugged. "He said he's going to decide by tomorrow. But the chances are good. Guess, he needs someone to push around." He looked down. "I've tried to call you but your phone wasn't working."  
  
"Uhm, no, I know." She had pulled the cord out. He looked back at her.  
  
"I've been at your door once or twice."  
  
"Oh? I've - I've been very busy," Mac blushed and pushed the papers on her desk from one side to the other. She had seen him through the window. She had stood at the door as he knocked but hadn't opened. "They - they've kept me busy."  
  
"Yeah," Harm never took his eyes off her. "They've grilled me too. Wanted to know every detail. I really hope I don't have to see Langley for a while."  
  
There was again an uneasy silence. Finally Harm took a step back.  
  
"I've got to go. See you, Mac."  
  
"See you, Harm."  
  
Harm turned, paused and turned back. "We'll find a way, Mac. I'm not going to make the same mistake again."  
  
Mac wasn't able to answer. Her heart pounded in her chest and his words were still reeling in her head a long time after he had gone. 


	2. That blonde

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I shake my head. It's still amazing what an effect Harm's words had on me. 'I'm not going to make the same mistake again' - amazing because there shouldn't have been a first time to make this mistake at all - and especially not a second time. I must stifle a laugh. What would I have done if he had suggested a 'back to the beginning' again? Very likely I would have thrown the cup. But instead he said what he said and things went on. Easy. It had been so easy to fall back in old habits - to work, to chat, to banter - with everyone including Harm. I needed it. I needed the security of my old life, I needed to know that there was still something that hadn't changed and I wanted that thing to be my love for Harm. Poor sailor - Chegwidden really made good on his words. Harm was running like a burnt cat during the following weeks but it was never good enough for the Admiral. Nevertheless he found the time to ask me to have dinner together on two or three occasions. He called it working-dinners but still - dinner. I couldn't believe it - for the first time my dreams seemed to be within arms reach ... but I never agreed. Paraguay was too close. My confusion as I ran out off Clay's hospital room was too close. And the way I was acting - the way I was treating him or better was *not* treating him - was making me sick. I was such a coward. By the time I had gathered the courage to call Clay he had been moved to a specialized clinic in New York. And I took this as a sorry excuse to avoid seeing him. I told myself it was the best for both of us. I told myself he had set me free and I should respect his wish. I found a hundred reasons to stay away - and sometimes I avoided looking into the mirror because I couldn't stand seeing my guilty face. I called his mother twice and asked her to give him my best wishes. She thanked me - very polite, very civil and very cold. I deserved her anger. I knew I deserved it. And then - just as I was in another round of scolding myself for acting like a jerk - I saw Clayton again ... with *that blond* clinging to his arm. It was an official dinner, hosted by the SecNav, and AJ ordered Sturgis and me to represent the JAG corps...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- House of the SecNav  
  
"Oh, come on, Mac. It isn't that bad," Commander Sturgis Turner grinned at the sour expression on the face of his company. He nodded towards a man he had never seen before. "You meet interesting people, have a free meal..."  
  
"... and get cramps because you have to smile the whole evening," grumbled Mac, nodded too and flashed a false smile. Sturgis took her now cast-less arm and directed her in the direction of the dining table. He chuckled.  
  
"At least it seems like they're ready to start dinner. Maybe you feel better with some very expensive food inside your stomach."  
  
"Don't be too sure of that." Mac allowed him to hold her chair while she was sitting down. "It depends on the food they're serving. And on the speeches. You've forgotten those long, boring speeches to be delivered before we're allowed to eat, haven't you?"  
  
"You don't have to listen. And it's the same thing all over the world: You have to work hard for your living. Mac? Mac? You're still with me?"  
  
Mac just stared to the opposite end of the table. Where a common figure was about to sit down. Though he definitely had lost weight he looked good - not at all like a man who had nearly died just a little more than a month ago. His suit was back in place ... and so seemed he. She saw him turn and ask something and then - he held the chair for a blond beauty, his hands grazing her shoulders in an intimate gesture, and sat down beside her. Mac's jaw nearly dropped. She continued to stare in shock as the blond leaned forward to him and brought her lips to his cheek.  
  
Webb smiled dryly. His eyes wandered the row of the sitting people, met briefly Mac's, went on and snapped back to her. An expression of disbelieve flickered over his face. For a moment he stared back then dropped his gaze to the table and turned away.  
  
'Oh, God! Oh, God, how dare he -!' The thoughts flashed through Mac's mind. 'I'm feeling bad, wondering how he's doing, if he's in pain and he ... he - he's playing with some blond bimbo! How *dare* he! Telling me he needs me! Ha! Making me feel like that! HA! And now - now - HOW DARE HE!'  
  
Sturgis had meanwhile found the goal of her intense glare. Looking back and forth between Mac and the spy he shook his head. 'Oh my. Maybe the evening is going to be more exhausting than I've thought.'  
  
Throughout the course of dishes Mac kept glaring over the table in Webb's direction, mechanically shoving the excellent food into her mouth without tasting it. Every time the blond bent forward to Webb, touched his hand, whispered something in his ear, it added to her anger. She was far beyond her boiling point as the SecNav finally got up and ended this part of the evening.  
  
"Mac. Mac, wait..." Sturgis' voice was fading behind her as she made a head start out of her chair. Webb saw her coming and tried to maneuver the blond to the next door but he was too slow. Giving in he turned to face her.  
  
"Uhm, hello ... Mac."  
  
"Clayton," Mac pressed out through gritted teeth. The blond chose this moment to slide her arm around Webb's waist and snuggle up to his side. Her aquamarine-blue eyes checked Mac with a quick once-over.  
  
Webb looked uncomfortable and at a loss of words. He rescued himself to the rules of social life. "Ah - Mac, Commander Turner ... meet Petra Bloomer. Petra - Colonel Sarah Mackenzie and Commander Turner of the Navy's Judge Advocate General's Corps."  
  
The blond offered a neat hand. "Nice to meet you." Sturgis took the hand, Mac ignored her. The blond waited a moment longer and then put it on Webb's arm.  
  
Mac intently searched Webb's face for a sign of the man she had seen in Paraguay, the man who had confessed to be in love with her. But he avoided her gaze. She wasn't able to find him. Even his injuries seemed to have disappeared, no trace was left of the cuts and bruised his face had been covered with. It hurt - and the pain she felt was unexpected in its intensity.  
  
"Excuse me. I have to - excuse me." She stormed past him and dove into the crowd. Sturgis shot Webb a dirty look, nodded towards the blond and followed suit.  
  
The remaining couple turned and followed them with their eyes. The blond raised a brow.  
  
"Something I should know?"  
  
Webb shook his head. "No." He sighed. "It's maybe better this way."  
  
The blond just rolled her eyes.  
  
***  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
Wow, I was so mad at him. I felt so betrayed. The next day I ran through JAG and needed no reason to explode. Everybody was ducking to avoid my rage. Just Harm was brave enough to talk to me and when he invited me to a working-dinner again - I agreed readily. Harm was so sweet. So loveable. It was what I needed right at this moment. I start picking up Annabelle's dresses and re-fold them unnecessarily. Then I settle down beside her bed. Yes, I needed it. But for the wrong reasons. If I hadn't been so upset the evening very likely would not have ended the way it did...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Harm's apartment  
  
"No, Harm, you can't build a defense around *that*!" Mac laughed out loud and popped the last piece of bread into her mouth. Harm smiled at her.  
  
"Why not? I mean, it doesn't look like I have a choice."  
  
"You always have a choice. You... What?" Mac was still smiling but got a little nervous of Harm's earnest gaze. "What? Do I have broccoli between my teeth? Why are you looking like this?"  
  
"It's just ... what you've said," answered Harm slowly. "That there's always a choice."  
  
"Well, that's the way it is, you..." Mac trailed off, captivated by his wonderful blue eyes. He moved closer to her and took her hand. He had pondered his decision long and hard. He had pondered everything that had happened in Paraguay. Yes, he was in love with her. He knew she hadn't seen Webb in the past weeks - and Sturgis had told him everything about yesterday evening. It just confirmed what he had always known: Webb wasn't the right man for her, he had let her down. He had tried for weeks to find an opening to talk to her in privacy and this was his chance. And he was determined to take it.  
  
"Yes, that's the way it is," whispered Harm seriously, "I've learned my lesson, Mac. I just - I just want you to give me one more chance."  
  
Mac swallowed hard. His body was so close to hers, she was able to feel the warmth coming off of him. She smelled his scent - this mixture of aftershave and a little sweat and something else she always associated so much with Harm. She leaned in a few inches, afraid he would draw back but instead he followed her lead and moved closer. They hesitated just a second before their lips met. Soft and testing at first then deepening the kiss as neither of them backed off.  
  
Mac's head spun, she slowly raised a hand, bracing it against Harm's arm in an attempt to steady herself. As she did, she felt Harm drawing her closer, digging his fingers into her hair. And still the kiss went on and on until they were forced to break apart and come up for air.  
  
Panting they stared into each others eyes then kissed again, impatiently this time, hungry.  
  
"Harm," whispered Mac between the kisses, "Harm, I've loved you for so long - so long."  
  
Harm embraced her tightly. "I love you too. I know that now. You're safe. You're home. I protect you. I love you so much."  
  
And even as Mac threw caution to the wind and pressed herself against him, there was a tiny spot in her soul that was shivering at his words. 


	3. That blonde Part two

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I put my chin in my hand and glance over the bedside. My little angle is moving her lips and stirring a bit but is still sound asleep. So I drift back into my memory. It was such a perfect night. My dreams had come true. More than my dreams. Harm was so sweet. He seemed to know exactly what I needed and it felt so good. But that disturbing little voice in my head kept telling me that something was wrong - that I was betraying Harm somehow the way I accepted his love right at this moment. I tried to ignore that voice. I wanted desperately to be happy - I deserved this, I'd waited long enough for this - why questioning my luck. I think, I walked through the office with my feet at least three inches above the floor. And the next Saturday I landed back on the ground. Hard. You should really listen to tiny little voices in your head...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Residence of Senator Wilson  
  
"What a nice estate," commented Meredith looking with big eyes and craning her neck to get a better view of the ceiling. Chegwidden's grunt caused Mac to stifle a laugh. But it *was* nice. A real mansion with high-ceiling rooms, the big windows opened a beautiful view into the well-kept garden. Tasteful flower arrangements decorated the rooms inside and concurred with the colorful flower beds outside. An orchestra was getting ready on the terrace; the buffet tables were already set. Senator Wilson really didn't save to celebrate the retirement of his brother, Admiral John J. Wilson.  
  
"Let's find John and get the congratulations over with," suggested Chegwidden, "Then we can enjoy the afternoon." None of the women had objections and so they made their way through the chatting guests. Mac kept looking around. She saw a lot of faces she recognized from the SecNav- dinner earlier that week and felt a sting of worry to stumble across Clayton Webb again. The next second she groaned inwardly. Yes, there he was - and once more *that blonde* had wrapped a possessive arm around his waist. The stylish pants suit was making her long legs even longer. Purposefully Mac looked away but it was already too late - her good mood had evaporated to nowhere. Anger replaced her calm. Directed on Webb for having this effect on her and also directed on herself for letting him get to her so easily.  
  
For the next twenty minutes or so she kept herself busy greeting people and wandering around with her CO and his fiancée. She noticed out of the corner of her eyes that Webb and the blonde trailed in measured circles through the crowd, covering every corner of the rooms and the garden on their way. And in the end the unavoidable happened: Chegwidden spotted the spy.  
  
"Isn't that Webb over there?"  
  
Mac had to confirm it was obviously him. Sighing she followed the Admiral as he stepped up to the man whose nose he had once broken.  
  
Webb saw him coming and whispered something to the blonde. The woman gave the approaching group a quick once-over as she had done with Mac and Sturgis on the dinner party. She sure was beautiful but her features also lacked somehow an interesting touch, like a little unevenness, to bring some life into her face. Just her estimating eyes didn't seem to go with the picture of a bored beauty.  
  
"Mister Webb," Chegwidden offered his hand which Webb took after a moment of careful hesitation. He greeted the two other women and introduced once more the blonde.  
  
"I see you're feeling well again," continued Chegwidden after an awkward pause.  
  
"As good as possible," answered Webb sober his eyes wandering to Mac. Again an uneasy silence fell between them.  
  
"Oh, look honey, there's Mrs. Martin. We really should greet her," the blonde cut in. She flashed a vague smile in their direction. "Would you please excuse us...?"  
  
There was nothing more to say and the three of them watched the couple walk away. Chegwidden shook his head.  
  
"Well, that was ... creepy."  
  
This second a waiter with an empty tablet walked into Webb's side. Webb stumbled and was caught by the blonde then regained his balance. Obviously angry the blonde yelled something at the waiter and hustled her companion in the direction of the garden. Suddenly Webb seemed to limp slightly.  
  
Mac frowned but was distracted by Meredith's next words.  
  
"He's wearing make-up."  
  
Chegwidden laughed. "I've never considered Webb to be *that* kind of man."  
  
"No, AJ, not that kind of make-up," Meredith corrected impatiently, "Theater make-up. I've worked with it on quite a few occasions. The type you use to change the appearance of your skin and so on. So you're looking pale or red in the face. It's well done but I've noticed it anyway." She gave her fiancé a questioning look. "Haven't you said he has been ill recently?"  
  
"Excuse me. I ... I have to check something," Mac stammered with a growing feeling of upcoming problems. She didn't wait for an answer and headed in the direction she had last seen Clayton. The couple had rounded a large hedge and just as she was about to reach its corner she saw a waiter disappear behind it too. Right at this moment the orchestra started with its first piece of music and the guests turned to listen.  
  
Mac fought her way to the hedge, stepped around it and noticed two things in the same split second: Webb and the blonde standing further down the path - with the hedge to their right, a flower bed to their left - Clayton was doubled over in pain, the blonde bending over him ... and the waiter, approaching them fast, pulling a gun with silencer out under a white serviette.  
  
"Behind you!" Mac's voice drowned in the sudden crescendo of the orchestra but somehow the blonde had heard her. Her head snapped around and she pushed Webb violently, propelling him backwards into the flowers. Whirling sideways she tried to grab something in her purse but stumbled under the impact of a bullet and was thrown to the ground.  
  
The man was running now as was Mac, cursing her skirt and with the horrible knowledge of being to late - there was no way she could reach the assassin before he got a clear shot at Webb, her yell for help was unheard in the music. And the blonde sprang to action.  
  
Mechanically moving her legs Mac saw in stunned disbelief the other woman jumping to her feet and attacking the assassin despite the blood covering her shoulder. Her first kick caught him solidly in the stomach, followed by a spin and the next second the gun went flying through the air. There was a short, hard and dirty exchange between the two opponents. It ended abruptly as the blonde landed a direct blow to the assassin's jaw, turned, jumped, rolled once, somehow got hold of his gun, rolled a second time - and shot a round of bullets in his chest.  
  
Mac stopped short and stared. Stared at the dead man and at the blonde, unwavering pointing the gun at her. Stared into the black hole of the silencer and eyes of an icy blue. Without thinking she uttered the first words she could come up with.  
  
"You - you've killed him!"  
  
The blonde sighed annoyed and lowered the gun. She tilted her head. "Webb?"  
  
A groan came out of the flowers. "Just catching my breath."  
  
"Clayton!" Mac hurried over and kneeled beside him. The blonde rolled her eyes, muttered something like "Oh, no, nothing I need to know" and came to his other side.  
  
"I'm all right - all right." Webb worked himself in a sitting position and frowned. "Petra you're bleeding!"  
  
"Why, thank you for the information," the blonde snapped back. "Did I hurt you? Sorry, but ..."  
  
"I know, I know. I've been standing in your way." Webb pressed a hand to his stomach and gritted his teeth. An expression of pain flickered across his face. "Well, I guess we've found our second man but Code Red is still out there."  
  
"Code Red? Second man? This - this is ... you're working?" Mac's voice rose with every question. She looked at the blonde. "You're CIA?"  
  
The blonde gave her a blank stare and turned at the sound of running steps coming nearer. Mac's eyes grew large. She knew at least one of the approaching men.  
  
"Douglas?!"  
  
"Colonel Mackenzie," the man who had handled her at Langley nodded shortly. "Bloomer. How bad is it?"  
  
"Hurts like - oh, what for," grumbled the blonde, "Where have you been? We almost got killed!"  
  
"Sorry. Manley, we need a blanket. We've got to get rid of this guy. Webb, if I've heard you right this isn't -?"  
  
"No," Webb tried to steady his breath, "He's still out there. He must have seen me and has sent his second man to solve the problem."  
  
"O.k. - so we still have a job to do. Come on, Webb."  
  
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mac cut in. She was fed up with listening while they were talking like she wasn't there too. "He's injured!"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"None of my - Now you listen to me, you son of a -"  
  
"Sarah, wait." Webb got hold of her arm and stopped her angry shouting, probably saving Douglas from physical harm. "It's necessary. Just help me up."  
  
She saw the seriousness in his eyes and swallowed her anger. He struggled to his feet and leaned heavily on her arm. She heard him curse low under his breath. The blonde - Bloomer - shook her head and groaned as somebody pressed a cloth to her shoulder.  
  
"Damn it, she's right, Webb. And I'm in no condition to help you any more," she pointed out.  
  
"I'll help him," stated Mac sternly. And addressing Douglas: "And don't dare to stop me. You know I can handle this."  
  
Douglas looked in her determined face and shrugged. "Webb?"  
  
"Fine by me. Let's get this over with."  
  
"Then go. No, wait, I check the mic first." Douglas adjusted the cords hidden under Webb's suit vest and nodded. "All right. Be careful - he knows you're here!"  
  
Mac slipped her arm around his waist like Bloomer had done earlier. And for exactly the same reason. Grimly she pushed any other thought down. Once more she had to focus on the mission at hand - she could scold herself later.  
  
"You're really up to this?"  
  
"I have to."  
  
"Why? Fill me in."  
  
They slowly stepped around the hedge und blended into the clapping crowd of guests. Webb groaned softly and seemed to lean on her even heavier.  
  
"I'm the only one who has ever seen his face. At least the only one who can link him to one of his jobs."  
  
"An assassin?"  
  
"Yeah," Webb kept his eyes moving, "He's one of the best. We don't even know his real name. We knew he had accepted a job here - we just didn't know when he intended to act. Guess we do now."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Classified."  
  
"Ooh -" Mac maneuvered them in a new direction. She felt the same frustration she had felt many times working with the spy. "You know his target?"  
  
"Within 90 percent."  
  
"That's great. Really great. You've seen anything so far?"  
  
"Nothing important. Just Chegwidden heading in our direction."  
  
"Ooh -!" This time Mac's groan was even more desperate.  
  
"Colonel! Webb! Did I miss something?" Chegwidden's face was priceless. Mac blushed in a deep red.  
  
"Sir - it isn't what it looks like."  
  
"So? Then you surely can explain it to me." Chegwidden crossed his arms over his chest. Meredith laid a calming hand on his arm.  
  
"Sir - uhm - Sir ... that's a little bit difficult ..."  
  
"Got him!" Webb hissed suddenly.  
  
"What?" Chegwidden raised his brows.  
  
"Where?" snapped Mac.  
  
"Right of the orchestra. Dark blue jacket, matching pants. Brown hair. Looking to the entrance."  
  
Meredith started to turn around and was stopped by Chegwidden's strong arm as Mac hissed "No!"  
  
"What the heck is going on?" he demanded to know. Webb ignored him.  
  
"He's got a glass in his left hand. Do you see him? Damn it, open your eyes! Now, he's looking in my direction."  
  
Instinctively Mac pulled him closer to her and in the shield of Chegwidden's broad body. The Admiral seemed ready to explode but moved not an inch, following his combat experience. Just his hold on Meredith's arm tightened somewhat.  
  
"I think he's seen me. He's still looking in this direction," Webb murmured into his mic, "Wait - he's turning away. He's making for the entrance. He's out of my sight now." He seemed to listen for an eternity. Nobody in their small group dared to move a muscle. Mac felt the tension rise. Chegwidden shot looks of intended murder towards Webb. Meredith seemed more confused than scared.  
  
"That's it - they've got him," announced Webb suddenly. He closed his eyes. "Maybe I should sit down for a while."  
  
"Clayton!" Mac fastened her grip around his waist and tried to hold him upright. "Sir!"  
  
Fortunately Chegwidden reacted quickly and supported the spy from the other side. They managed to walk out of the crowd and escaped once more into the garden. Webb seemed to have reached the end of his strength as they lowered him on a bench.  
  
"You have to get him out of here!" Mac hissed in the direction of his hidden mic, "And fast!"  
  
She was horrified by his sudden paleness the makeup wasn't able to mask anymore. He gulped twice and opened his eyes again. He even managed a smile.  
  
"Just a little bit shaky on my feet now. Thanks for the help."  
  
"Just a little bit shaky!" Mac's anger bubbled to the surface. "I bet you shouldn't be up at all!"  
  
"Got me." Webb cupped his face in his hands. Douglas appeared at their side.  
  
"All right. Let's go. Hey, Colonel - you want to change your employer?"  
  
"Only over my dead body!" stated Chegwidden grimly. Mac grinned despite her worries. She made no attempt to follow Clay as he was hurried away. Then she sighed deeply.  
  
'Oh, yeah. Leave it to me to sort my feelings out!' 


	4. Secrets

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I rub my palms over my face and get up to look out of the window. 'To sort my feelings out'. Oh, it was such a hard job to do. After I had learned the real reason why Clay had walked around with that blonde - Bloomer - I also realized that part of my giving in to Harm had been jealousy. Jealousy because I felt rejected. And that part darkened the happiness I felt to be with Harm. I still loved Harm. Lord, I wanted him - needed him ... but - How could I be jealous if Clay was supposed to mean nothing to me. How could I love Harm with all my heart if I was at the same time worried about Clay - worried like that? I wasn't able to lie to myself anymore. What I felt for Clay wasn't just friendship. But it wasn't like the love I felt for Harm either. I wanted to talk with Harm - I wanted to clear our love of all doubts ... but we had never been good at talking to each other. Not that we had that much opportunity to do so. Chegwidden kept him busy; he was more out of town than in it. And as I realized slowly, it was partly because he wanted it. It was Bud who let it slip that Harm was asking the Admiral to give *him* the cases which needed to be investigated on a carrier or a far away base or anything like that. Bud told me it was because I had been through so much lately and I needed some rest to find back to myself. It could have been sweet but instead I remembered Harm's words spoken during our first night together. Sure, like every woman I wanted to be protected sometimes - but not like this! We had a hot argument about it and it solved nothing. To add to the tension I couldn't get rid of the feeling of doing something wrong. We were still in the same chain of command - and we were breaking the rules. I still struggled with our difficult situation when AJ married Meredith in a small but moving ceremony and they went on their honeymoon - leaving me in the position of the Acting JAG. And just in these two weeks I discovered how much I'd betrayed my CO by starting an affair with Harm and not telling anyone...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Mac's apartment  
  
'Pregnant. Dear Lord in heaven - I'm pregnant.' Mac stared in disbelief at the result of her pregnancy test. She had been late - very late, it *was* possible to forget those things over a lot of work - and immediately her first and unplanned night with Harm came back to her mind. She had waited some more - fiddling, nervous and sometimes nearly jumping out of her skin - until she gathered enough courage to buy a pregnancy test. And here it was. What should have been one of the happiest days in her life - and she just felt horrible.  
  
Just two weeks had passed since her blow up with Harm because of his over- protectiveness ... and now this. What was he going to say? He had been so nervous at little AJ's fourth birthday not so long ago... What was he going to say?  
  
Mac sat down on the toilet and buried her face in her hands. To top it all Harm was out of town - at least four more days. There was nobody she could talk to. She couldn't burden Harriet or Bud with that now - not with their baby coming soon - not with the problems it meant for their work. She didn't want to go to Sturgis. He wouldn't understand. She was all alone.  
  
***  
  
- Harm's apartment, four days later  
  
"God, Mac - I've missed you so much," sighing Harm took her in a tight embrace. Mac closed her eyes and reveled for some heartbeats in his warmth, his smell. Then she freed herself and walked a few steps to bring some distance between them.  
  
"I've missed you too," she said without looking at him. She had pondered her next move over and over again. She had planned every word she wanted to say - and now she couldn't find them.  
  
Harm didn't seem to notice. He chatted away about his case while he prepared some food. Involuntarily she asked herself if he wanted to give her time or if he really didn't sense that something was wrong.  
  
"What - Did you ever... You ever thought about what we're going to do now?" Mac blurted out in a sudden rush. Harm looked confused.  
  
"What do you mean? What should we do?"  
  
"Well - this situation. Me and you ... and being together. We're breaking the rules, Harm." Mac turned to look at him. "Where do we stand now, Harm?"  
  
He smiled. "We're standing in my apartment - all alone - and have a wonderful evening waiting."  
  
'All alone.' Mac cringed inwardly.  
  
"Not that!" Mac was somewhat angry. Couldn't he understand? "I mean - us. There *is* an 'us' now, isn't it? What are we going to do?"  
  
"I don't know. Guess, we're dating ... talking if you want to ... growing together." Harm put his knife away and came to her side. "What's wrong, Mac? Tell me what's wrong."  
  
She took a deep breath. "Dating and talking - is that all you want? I ... I've told you I - I want ... kids. I want a family..."  
  
He drew back and returned to the kitchen table. "Why rush things, Mac? We - we have plenty of time, haven't we. Hey, our baby deal isn't scheduled until next year."  
  
Mac bit her lower lip. "What if I haven't got the time to wait until next year?" she whispered.  
  
But Harm hadn't heard her. He was fighting against a sudden flash of panic, against an old memory welling up in his mind. 'No. No, not now. Go away, Diane. Leave me alone.' He wasn't aware how distant his next words sounded. "I tell you what. We date, let's say about three months to half a year, and have enough time to figure things out in the meantime. We've reached this point; we'll go on when it's time."  
  
His casual words hurt more than Mac was able to bear. She hugged herself in an effort to calm down. Her hands rested on her belly. She swallowed hard. Pulling all her strength together she faced the love of her life once more.  
  
"I can't live like that. I'm sorry, Harm, but I can't. I - I have to ask you a question, Harm. Will you - will you ever marry me? Will you marry me now?"  
  
Harm looked away, feeling uncomfortable. "Why do we have to talk about that right now? I just came back and I've hoped ... We talk about that later. Okay?"  
  
Mac took a step back. She fought against the tears welling up in her eyes.  
  
"I guess, that's a no," she whispered.  
  
Harm laughed uneasily. "A no. What sort of a no? Mac, are you proposing to me or what?"  
  
"And if I do? We live in a modern world. Why shouldn't a woman propose to the man she's in love with?"  
  
"I - uh - can't ... can't we talk about this tomorrow? I'm -"  
  
Mac saw Harm stutter and squirm and she couldn't breathe because of the fist around her heart. She wanted to say the words, she wanted so desperately to tell him this single sentence: 'I'm pregnant, Harm, pregnant with your child' - but she didn't. Instead she picked up her purse and walked to the door.  
  
"We'll see, Harm. Maybe."  
  
"Mac. Mac, wait. Look, I'm sorry, but it just isn't fair to run me over like this."  
  
She opened the door and hesitated a moment but she didn't look back.  
  
"Life isn't fair. Haven't you learned that yet, Harm? Life is everything but fair."  
  
And with that she walked once more out of his door. The pain closed around her like a dark cloud until she wasn't able to see anymore where she was walking because of the tears streaming down her face. 


	5. A funeral

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I sigh at the memory and take a few steps back and forth to calm down. Walking back to her crib I'm bending over my daughter again. I can't resist and trace one of her tiny fists with the tip of my finger. Her skin is so smooth - softer than anything I've touched before. Maybe I should have told him. Maybe I should have screamed the reason why I was pushing so hard directly into his face - but that would have been a mistake. Oh, I have no doubt he would have been willing to marry me. Maybe he would have been delighted to marry me ... but it would have been out of a sense of duty. Harmon Rabb is and always was an honorable man. He'd never bring a girl in trouble and walk away afterwards. It's just ... a kid is a good reason for a marriage. But it should never be the only reason. I couldn't load this weight onto our relationship. It would have been as wrong as my intentions as I started it - or better as I let it happen. I complained my fate bitterly over the following weekend. Harm made no move to contact me - I don't hold it against him, not after the shock I'd confronted him with - and it was the darkest hole of my life. I bought a bottle of alcohol on my way back home. I don't even know what kind of. For hours I sat in front of it, crying, fighting the daemons hunting me. I even poured a glass. I even lifted it to my lips. And I dumped all into the toilet. Then I crouched down and threw up for dear life without having tasted a single drop. I couldn't do it - as much as I wanted it right at that time. There was a new life growing in me ... and it deserved better than that. Much better. Yes, that weekend was hell and beyond that - but I think it made me stronger than ever before. On Monday I still hadn't decided what to do - except for *not to drink* - and again this strange thing called life threw me into a loop. It just included somebody else this time. Or maybe I should say again. It was the day Admiral Chegwidden came back from his honeymoon and Harriet brought us this newspaper...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- JAG Headquarters  
  
"Welcome back, Sir. I've put the important cases on the stack to your right. The notes you should read are lying over there," Mac pointed at the manila folders and Chegwidden nodded. He narrowed his eyes at her.  
  
"Mac, is everything all right? You're looking a little bit pale."  
  
"It's nothing, Sir. It just wasn't such a pleasant weekend. Nothing I can't deal with."  
  
"If you say so - Yes, Harriet?"  
  
"Sir, Ma'am, I - have you read the newspaper this morning? Have you read this?"  
  
"What?" Chegwidden took the paper out of her hands, read in silence and cursed. He handed it over to Mac. She quickly looked the page up and down, a headline caught her eye. First the article made no sense to her then her jaw dropped.  
  
Porter Webb ... part of Washington's social life ... suddenly ... funeral at the ... the heir asks to...  
  
"Oh my God," she gasped, "No. He's been through so much." She looked up to Chegwidden. "Sir, I want to express my condolences in person. It's the least I can do."  
  
The Admiral nodded immediately. "Of course we do. Harriet, please inform Commander Rabb about this matter. I think he's the only one who really met her in person and I expect his presence. Please also inform everybody else you think is suitable."  
  
"Yes, Sir. Sir - Bud and I, we want to come with you too."  
  
"I'm glad to hear that. Colonel? You wanted to say something?"  
  
"No ... No, Sir, it's nothing." Mac suppressed the uncomfortable feeling. She'd see Clay again - and Harm would be there too.  
  
***  
  
- Webb residence  
  
Astonished the JAG staff - consisted of Admiral Chegwidden, Mac, Harm and the Roberts - watched the crowded rooms of Clayton Webb's home. It was amazing how many people wanted to express their condolences after the privately held ceremony of the funeral. Or - as Mac couldn't help thinking - they just didn't want to miss the exquisite finger food buffet that was served for the guests. Slowly they drifted with the slightly moving groups of people, sipping at the drinks, offered by some very young waitresses and waiters in demure black clothing. Finally the movement gathered to a loose queue in one large tasteful furnished room opening to the garden.  
  
Throughout their steady approach Mac kept her eyes on Webb, standing with his back to the windows. His features were hidden in shadows against the bright afternoon light - no doubt a well considered circumstance - but the light also framed his slender, nearly skinny figure and pronounced it. The black suit, so dark that it was an almost dead color, underlined the paleness of his skin. He seemed to have lost even more weight since she last saw him and it concerned her. While they came nearer in the queue she noticed the almost invisible lines in his face, sometimes red, sometimes white, reminders of the cuts he had suffered in Paraguay. The two months since the beating had left no evidence of the bruises he had been covered with, but Mac realized now how good the theater make-up had been. Some people asked questions about the scars and she heard him explain that he'd had a car-accident.  
  
She saw him talking to the guests, nodding, shacking hands. From time to time he reached sideways and took a sip out of a glass, obviously holding mineral water. And in all his gestures was something ... mechanical and lifeless, so totally different from his normal energy. He watched them step up to him with a distant gaze. Mac wondered briefly if he really realized who they were because he seemed to look right through them.  
  
"Excuse me a second," he murmured suddenly and turned to the waiter refilling his glass. "I haven't seen your cards on the tables, Thomas. Where are they?"  
  
The young man looked surprised and cleared his throat before he answered in a low voice. "We - It didn't seem to be appropriate, Mister Webb."  
  
"What are you talking about? Mother always saw that you got new customers in her lifetime and I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you make some profit out of her death. Put the cards up."  
  
The young man squirmed. "We just wanted to show our respect, Mister Webb."  
  
"I appreciate that and now put them up." Webb sounded monotone, almost cold.  
  
"Is something wrong?" A tall man with calm features appeared suddenly out of nowhere. The young waiter seemed relieved.  
  
"Almost nothing, Harrison," replied Webb, his voice still a little hard and cold, "I just told Thomas to put their cards up. The people should see whose food they're eating. Take care of that, will you."  
  
"Of course, Sir." Harrison signaled the younger man with a sharp motion of his head to obey the order. Webb watched them go away and turned back to the waiting JAG staff. He stared somewhere over Chegwidden's left shoulder.  
  
"I'm sorry, but they haven't put their cards on the tables. Their catering service is very good - they opened their own service not long ago ... mother helped them to ... she would have wanted the cards up." He shut his mouth abruptly as if he regretted having said so much.  
  
One after the other they murmured some sentences of sympathy, sharing troubled glances within the group. Webb nodded and thanked them calm and steady. Chegwidden looked around.  
  
"I haven't seen Tim yet - he is somewhere, isn't he? Representing your employer?"  
  
"He's in Europe and couldn't make it - unfortunately. And by the way, I don't work for the Company any more. They don't want me back."  
  
Five pairs of eyes stared at him in disbelief. Mac was the first to find her voice.  
  
"You're kidding!" she blurted out, "They can't do that to you!"  
  
"Of course they can," stated Webb matter-of-factly, "It isn't unexpected."  
  
"But - but you've worked for the Company at -"  
  
"I was just helping out. You know the reasons why it was necessary," Webb interrupted sharply. He gave her a warning glare.  
  
"But what - what are you going to do now? It isn't fair! You should fight for it!"  
  
Webb shrugged. "What for? The NSA offered me a job that's as good as anything else." He was already turning to his next guests. "Thanks for coming- to all of you. I appreciate it. Try some of the food. It's a good catering service."  
  
Stunned they walked away. Bud finally broke the silence.  
  
"Excuse me, but - was that really Mister Webb? That was like - like 'Invasion from Mars' or something like that!"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about, Bud, but no, that wasn't Webb. I've known he was close to his mother but it really threw him off stride," agreed Harm.  
  
Mac ignored them both and looked back to Clayton. She made a quick decision.  
  
"Sir, I want to stay a little longer. Maybe I can be of any help."  
  
Before the Admiral was able to answer Harm cut in: "You can't stay here!"  
  
"Excuse me?!" Mac's hiss clearly showed her disapproval. Harm ignored the warning and took hold of her arm.  
  
"There's no need to stay. There are enough people to help if necessary."  
  
"He's a friend, Harm, how can you talk like that? I'm staying!"  
  
"You don't! Mac, you can't!"  
  
"We'll see what I can do and what not. Let go!" Mac struggled angrily to get free but Harm jerked her back, his fear got the better of him.  
  
"Mac!"  
  
"Harm!"  
  
"That's enough! Stop it this instant! Commander! Colonel!" Chegwidden was fuming. "Your behavior is unacceptable!"  
  
Ashamed Mac and Harm stepped back from each other. People were staring at them. Mac smoothed her uniform jacket.  
  
"Sir, I'm staying - with your permission."  
  
"Granted. Commander, follow me!"  
  
Mac ignored Harm's pleading look and glanced over to Webb. She met his eyes and held them for a long moment. His features were once more hidden in shadows and she wasn't able to read his mind. 


	6. A funeral Part two

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I run my fingers through my hair and sit down. This argument with Harm just resolved my determination not to tell him about our child. Once more he had tried to order me around ... to decide for me. I was angry. And I was scared. Why couldn't I understand Harm anymore? But it had to be a minor problem at this moment. This moment was about Clay. So I forced myself to wander slowly through the rooms, suddenly realizing that it was the first time I ever entered his house. It was amazing. I could feel something that had to be Porter Webb's presence in the tasteful furnishings. I regretted I had never known her in person. Our phone-conversations hadn't been ... very pleasant. As the guests started to leave, I watched Clay's lonely frame, still standing in front of the windows, and waited for somebody of his family to come forward, for any good friend to offer comfort ... I was ready to go as soon as it'd have happened. But nobody came. The dusk had already begun as I took the first steps in Clayton's direction - and was blocked by the man with the calm face, Harrison...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Webb residence  
  
"Colonel ... Mackenzie?"  
  
Mac nodded slightly, preparing herself for his questions. "Yes, Mister Harrison?"  
  
Instead of a direct answer the man looked over to Webb, his stony expression revealed nothing. Then he considered her again and his gaze reminded her of Chegwidden's cold and probing 'Admiral-stare'. Finally he came to a decision. Drawing in a deep breath, he held her gaze.  
  
"Mrs. Webb was a precious part of his life. As she was for all of us. He's a strong man but he can't stand much more of this. Maybe you can get to him ... but I really hope, you know what you're doing and don't hurt him any further."  
  
Mac swallowed hard, speechless for a moment. The seriousness and concern in the man's eyes were overwhelming. Harrison gave her one last look and walked away. She stared after him. The concern of an old and trusted employee? Or did he know? Did he know what had happened in Paraguay? Did he know about the kiss? What else could be the meaning of his words?  
  
Looking to Clayton she pulled herself together. She wouldn't hurt him. Nobody would if she could help it. Webb watched her cross the room and stand in front of him. Her worry rose as she eyed him carefully. The day was taking its toll: Hints of his exhaustion were visible in his empty eyes but still the mask he wore for the world was firmly in place. It just showed the first cracks. He searched her gaze.  
  
"Sarah?"  
  
"You rather want me to go?" she whispered back. Webb picked up his glass and looked at it, just holding it in his hand. Setting it down again, he shook his head.  
  
"Stay," he begged nearly inaudible.  
  
She just nodded. Taking a deep breath he slowly walked out of the room and Mac followed. Side by side they walked in silence. Mac watched him lift his hand once or twice as if he wanted to touch a piece of the furniture. But he never ended the gesture. She followed his somewhat aimless wandering through the house to a rather small office-room where Webb settled down behind a large massive desk. He motioned her to sit too.  
  
"Excuse me, I have to look these things through."  
  
Mac chose a deep leather armchair and searched for a comfortable position. Webb started to work through the stacks of paper piling up on the smooth wooden surface of the desk - condolences-cards, letters and all sorts of papers needed to run such a big property.  
  
A long time there wasn't a sound besides the shoveling of paper and sometimes voices from outside as the catering service left the house. Then even that faded away. After a while Webb got up, walked to a small cabinet and was about to pour himself a scotch but stopped in the middle of the motion. He gave her a sideways glance and put the bottle back down.  
  
"I don't mind seeing you drink," Mac said quietly.  
  
He considered her carefully before pouring the scotch and gulping it down fast. Then he settled back in the expensive leather desk chair and continued his silent work.  
  
He didn't look up when Harrison walked in short before midnight, carrying a tray with a glass of water. The butler noticed the empty scotch glass and raised a questioning brow towards Mac. She mouthed ONE and he nodded almost invisible, putting the tray down on the edge of the desk. It was then she saw the pill besides the glass. Harrison looked at her once more in a silent question and she lowered her eyelashes once to signal her readiness. He bowed his head slightly and left the room.  
  
After another twenty minutes Mac couldn't stand it any longer. The sight of Webb, aimlessly sorting papers from one end of the desk to the other, was too much. Quietly she stood and walked over to him. Standing at Clay's side she gently placed a hand on his shoulder.  
  
He stopped.  
  
For an eternity he just stared blankly in the air. And when he finally turned to her, her heart ached at the deep grief she saw in his eyes. He made a small, helpless gesture with his hand.  
  
"She ... she was always there."  
  
And that was - in the opinion of Sarah Mackenzie - the shortest and most accurate description of a good mother she had ever heard. She felt him shiver and gently pulled him towards her. First he resisted but then he buried his face in her uniform, his body shaking in desperate sobs...  
  
***  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I look down at my tightly clasped hands. It had almost been a relief to see Clayton break down after his words. He had been so far away the whole evening, so lonely and out of reach. I cradled him in my arms as he cried and the way he clung to me was so ... innocent. So elementary - born out of grief and despair so deep that it was beyond anything bearable. Much later I persuaded him to take the sleeping pill and held him some more until he got slightly limp in my arms. We barely made the stairs up to his room. It was long after midnight and so I was glad to accept the bedroom somebody had prepared for me. The following morning I wasn't so sure if it had been such a good decision...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Webb residence, the next morning  
  
Mac slowly sipped her second cup of coffee and tried not to think too much about the last night. She hadn't slept well, pondering questions without finding answers. Sometimes she wasn't even sure about the questions. Why had life to be so difficult? Sighing she put the cup down. She had to go soon. She needed to change her uniform and go to work - and face Harm again. But she didn't want to go without having seen Clay. She hadn't dared to look into his room after she had gotten up. It had seemed to be a ... too intimate gesture.  
  
A movement at the door caught her attention. She looked up and he was standing there, wearing black trousers and a blue shirt. He was unshaved and ran a hand through his tangled hair after staring at her for some heartbeats.  
  
"Well," he said finally, "It seems, that part of the evening wasn't a dream, now was it?"  
  
Mac had to gulp twice before she trusted her voice enough to say something.  
  
"How are you?"  
  
Webb shrugged. "Tired, empty - I don't know." He rubbed his face with the palm of his hand. "Alone, I guess." The hand fell to his side. "I'll get over it, sometime, I guess."  
  
Mac didn't know what to answer. There seemed to be so much to say - but she wasn't able to find the words. So she pushed the cup away and stood.  
  
"I - I've got to go."  
  
"Yes, of course. I'll ... show you out."  
  
They walked to the front door. Webb opened it and they stood in silence for a few minutes. Neither of them dared to look into the other one's eyes, so they looked everywhere but it the face of the other. Finally Mac took a deep breath.  
  
"Look ... Clay ... if there's something I can do ... if you need something ... anything -" She wasn't able to finish her sentence. Webb suddenly reached out and jerked her towards him. She found herself trapped in his embrace, entangled in a kiss. For a moment she saw stars sparkling - feeling so much grief and need and hunger in this kiss - and just as her body was about to respond - as her *soul* was about to respond ... she was pushed back. Clayton's fingers dug into her shoulders. He was panting hard as was she - his grip almost painful in its tightness.  
  
"No," Webb whispered, fighting for control, shaking his head furiously, "No, not like that. Not like that."  
  
Mac stared at him. She was confused, dazed and upset all at the same time. And she felt painfully rejected. Webb shook his head once more - and as he opened his eyes again she cringed inwardly at the pain she saw there.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm so sorry. But you must understand. You *have to* understand ... for me ... this is real." He swallowed hard but held her gaze steadily. "I want this to be real," he continued softly, "I don't want this to be pity. And I don't want to be a substitute." He was holding her hands now, gripping them hard. He didn't move but nevertheless he seemed to drift away from her. "Sarah ... thank you so much for staying last night. But ... until you can give me an honest 'no' to both questions - I want you to go. Please go. Please."  
  
She felt his hands slip away and the emptiness after his touch was terrible. But how could she answer honestly without knowing what *was* true? She was still in love with Harm. She *believed* to be still in love with Harm. She was carrying his child. And that was all she knew right now.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking away. "I'm so sorry too."  
  
And with that she turned and left. 


	7. Consequences

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I'm looking down at my daughter. She's so beautiful in her sleep. Having her is worth the pain and sorrows I've been through. Clayton's words had been the last straw. Driving home I knew what to do. I had to draw the line. I needed to draw the line. I was tired of feeling guilty or sad or rejected or whatever. I needed a cut, plain and clear - well, as plain and clear as possible being pregnant. I needed some distance. Both - mentally and physically. I needed time to think, to make my own decisions ... and I wanted to get rid of this mistake of fraternization. So I drove home, changed my uniform and went to JAG. It was the hardest thing I ever did...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- JAG Headquarters  
  
Mac stepped out of the elevator and right into the bullpen. Bud saw her coming and hurried over. He didn't even get a chance to greet her.  
  
"Bud, where's Commander Rabb?" inquired Mac in a hard voice to mask her nervousness.  
  
"He - He's been sent to Norfolk to start his investigation into the Miller case. The Admiral told him yesterday to go immediately and not to come back until he got some sense and consideration into his head," Bud grimaced. "The Admiral was pretty mad after we left."  
  
"I see," murmured Mac. Those weren't the best circumstances but it had to do. And maybe it was better to deal first with the Admiral and then with Harm than vice versa. She headed to Chegwidden's office.  
  
"Uhm, Ma'am? How's Mister Webb?" a startled Bad called after her.  
  
"He'll live. It'll take some time but he'll live," she answered over her shoulder. Then she set her jaw in determination. There was a battle to win.  
  
***  
  
- JAG Headquarters, Admiral Chegwidden's office  
  
"YOU HAVE WHAT?!" Chegwidden's bellow shook the room. Mac stood even more at attention and repeated quietly:  
  
"I have to report an offence against the rules of fraternization - my own offence against the rules of fraternization. I've had a personal relationship with another officer in this chain of command."  
  
"Rabb! How-"  
  
"Sir! I've never said its Commander Rabb, Sir."  
  
There was a loud silence.  
  
"Tell me the name of the officer involved," ordered Chegwidden finally in a frightening voice. Mac swallowed hard.  
  
"No, Sir."  
  
"What was that, Colonel?!" Chegwidden shoved his chin almost in her face.  
  
"I'm the senior officer in this matter. I'm the one responsible."  
  
"This is unacceptable, Colonel! And if it's Rabb you're a senior officer by barely two months!"  
  
"I'm the senior officer, Sir," repeated Mac unwaveringly, "And I'm taking full responsibility for everything that has happened."  
  
"This isn't *your* decision, Colonel! This is -"  
  
"Yes, it is, Sir!" Mac interrupted grimly her eyes still set straight ahead. She continued before Chegwidden could blow up again. "I've made a mistake, Sir. I should have known better but anyway I've made a mistake. And in doing so I betrayed the Marine Corps, I betrayed the Navy and I betrayed your trust in me. I'm very sorry about it. And I can't think of a more honorable way to tell you than to tell you right away what has happened and to take whatever punishment you may consider appropriate. Sir. But I will not involve the officer in question. I'm taking full responsibility and I'm taking it alone. Sir!"  
  
Chegwidden pressed his lips together. He turned sharp, walked back behind his desk and sat down.  
  
"*You* are taking full responsibility," he stated finally. "How long has this ... *personal relationship* ... lasted?"  
  
"A little bit more than a month, Sir."  
  
"So it started after your assignment in Paraguay."  
  
"Yes, Sir." Mac closed her eyes for a moment. She knew what he was doing. He was searching for a way out. Probably considering her state of mind after she came back or pondering the fine grades in fraternization because she and Harm were in the same chain of command but not exactly of different rank and not exactly in the same unit. Her heart was aching at this evidence of how much he cared.  
  
"Well, Colonel, I surely *don't* approve what has happened! And I'm very disappointed in your behavior. But -"  
  
"I'm pregnant, Sir."  
  
Chegwidden inhaled deeply and slowly breathed out. His face hardened even more.  
  
"Well," he said carefully, "That's changing matters a bit." He pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. "Tell me, Colonel, what exactly did you have in mind when you've come to my office?"  
  
Mac swallowed hard. "Sir, it's common to transfer one of the persons involved in fraternization."  
  
"You just told me you're expecting."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"So you're running away? That hadn't changed anything the last time."  
  
For the first time Mac's gaze flickered off its 'straight ahead' position. But she recovered quickly.  
  
"With all due respect, Sir. But I'm not running away. If I'd run away I'd quit the Marines and leave JAG. But I don't. I've made a mistake but I'm ready to face the consequences. In fact I'm doing something I should have done years ago: I'm bringing some distance between me and my problems - my feelings - to sort them out."  
  
"Brave words, Mac," Chegwidden shook his head, "But you know what this means for your career. Both - the transfer and the fraternization."  
  
"Sir, right now my career is one of my minor problems." Mac blinked but refused to lower her eyes. She gulped twice. "Sir, if you don't mind ... I don't want them to know of my pregnancy."  
  
Chegwidden frowned. "He doesn't know?"  
  
"It's my decision, Sir. Things are ... complicated enough."  
  
Her CO sighed. Why did he deserve this? He considered the woman in front of him. So petite and so stubborn. He wanted to yell at her - but on the other hand he had given her a promise not so long ago. The promise to be there for her.  
  
"You'll be informed of my decision. Dismissed."  
  
"Sir, thank you, Sir." Mac's back was ramrod straight as she turned precisely and walked out of his office.  
  
***  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
Admiral Chegwidden's offer was clear: Cut of salary for half a year, because I refused to name the officer involved, and a transfer to Pensacola - and it would be over and done with. I agreed immediately. God only knows what strings he pulled to make it possible. Probably waving a big 'look- what-she-just-did-for-this-country' flag right under the SecNav's nose. And of course he knew exactly that the officer in question was Harm. But he didn't ask again. He even agreed to keep my pregnancy a secret at JAG headquarters - grumbling but doing it. This was the only thing I wasn't strong enough to face yet. Telling Harm about our child. And so I told none of my friends about my relationship with Harm or our child too - because it wouldn't have been fair. They still had to work with Harm and inevitably there would be a slip of the tongue and then I could directly see Harm running to my rescue again. But this time I didn't want a knight in shining armor. I wasn't sure if I'd have been strong enough to resist. So I wrote a letter in which I begged him to stay away from me, to give me the time I needed to find clarity of what I wanted. And then I packed my stuff, said a tearful goodbye to Bud and Harriet and all the others at JAG - and went off to Pensacola before he returned from Norfolk. Cowardly? Yes, maybe. But the only thing I was able to do just then. Settling down in Pensacola was rather easy. The work kept me occupied. I liked most of the people I had to work with and busied myself getting comfortable in my new apartment. Once a week I talked to Harriet on the phone and she kept me updated about the ongoing world at JAG headquarters. It was hard to refuse to come and see their newly born son Christopher Martin. But I started to show and - I still wasn't ready to face Harm. The months went by and I celebrated a lonely Christmas and New Year. There were parties on both occasions and they sure were nice but ... I missed the spirit of Washington covered in snow. I missed the special atmosphere at JAG headquarters through Christmas season. I missed Bud and Harriet and the Admiral and all the others ... and Harm. I wondered what Clayton was doing on his first Christmas without his mother. I wondered what he had done as she was still alive. I once more realized how little I really knew about him. After I came out of my Christmas-depression I refocused on my daily changing life. My belly was still growing bigger and the acrobatic gymnastics of my baby rose to an amazing level. And out of the blue an unexpected visitor knocked at my door...  
  
---  
  
Author's note: Well, I've done some research about 'Fraternization in the Military' but I'm far from being an expert. So I handled things rather freely and knocked it a little into shape to fit in my story. 'Writers-privilege'. 


	8. A visitor

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Mac's apartment, Pensacola  
  
Unnerved Mac threw down the knife she was cutting tomatoes with. Her neighbor had already asked *three times* if he could borrow something for his cooking - for his newest girlfriend. That man was changing his women like others their socks. First he asked for onions. Next was cheese. And then came sugar. What was it *now*? She waddled to the door (she couldn't think of herself as walking anymore - not nearly eight months pregnant), jerked it open - and stared at Clayton Webb.  
  
Webb stared back at her. His gaze trailed down her body and settled on her very present belly, his brows rising higher the lower he got.  
  
"Wow," he stated calmly. He looked back up. "Well, it suits you ... like it did the last time. But if you haven't discovered a really unique hobby ... I guess, it isn't padding this time, now is it?"  
  
Mac snorted. "You'll never change, will you Clay? Come in."  
  
He stepped past her. She noticed the quick look he ran through the apartment. There wasn't much to see. A door to the small bathroom, a corner for the kitchen and one more door to the bedroom. A table near the kitchen- corner and a couch towards the bedroom. And a few plants and a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge on one wall - a Christmas present from her assistant. She wondered what he was thinking about it.  
  
"Nice," Webb commented neutral. He glanced over to the half cut tomatoes and the empty pan on the stove, "Am I interrupting?"  
  
"No, I've just started," Mac wiped her hands with a towel, "You're looking good. How are you?"  
  
It was true - Webb looked had changed a lot since she had last seen him. The scars had faded, maybe with the help of a little cosmetic surgery. He had put on more weight and looked in shape and healthy ... he looked like she remembered him to be before Suriname.  
  
"I'm fine, thank you. What about you?"  
  
Mac shrugged. "Not that bad. My legs are swollen and I have to pee every hour ... uhm, I'm all right."  
  
Webb smirked but immediately grew serious again. She felt a sting of worry.  
  
"Clayton ... why are you here? This isn't a social visit, is it?"  
  
He looked her up and down and sighed. "I just got the news. I wanted to tell you in person. Now I'm even gladder I came here."  
  
Mac's stomach tightened fearfully. The baby reacted to her discomfort and moved uneasy.  
  
"Victor Galindez has been badly injured."  
  
Her hand flew to her mouth. She just stared at him.  
  
"Officially it was an accident. Two cars crashed head-on near Rome. Galindez suffered a major head trauma. He's in a coma. The damage to the brain is ... irreversible."  
  
"Oh God." Mac shook her head. Then it hit her. She narrowed her eyes. "Officially? And what's about *unofficially*?"  
  
Webb sighed. "*Unofficially* he has saved a lot of lives."  
  
Mac raised her brows. "Well?"  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Damn it, what happened? And don't dare telling me that's classified! I deserve better than that. *Victor* deserves better than that!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Mac waited but Webb avoided her eyes. She took a deep breath. Her voice got louder with every single word. "Yes? That's all you have to say? *Yes*?"  
  
Webb's head snapped back to her. Anger flickered over his face. "Yes! Because it's all I can say! Of course you deserve better! Of course Galindez deserves better! What do you want me to do? Run around and fight for the truth? I tell you the truth, Mac: It's a dirty, a very, very dirty game out there and you can't play it and keep your hands clean! Galindez knew what he was doing. He knew the risks, he knew what could happen. And it doesn't matter that you never believe it could *really* happen! I came here - once more against all orders - because I thought you deserve better than this stupid accident announcement. I thought you should know that his death wasn't for nothing -"  
  
"You've said he's alive! You've said he's in a coma!"  
  
"YES, HE IS! But it would have been better he had died immediately. I've told you there is damage to the brain. Serious damage, Mac! If he really wakes up ... he would never be the same man again. Maybe he wouldn't even remember what kind of a man he had been - maybe there's left nothing more than an empty body!"  
  
Mac stumbled back under the force of his rage. She tried to gather her thoughts. "So that's just one more reason to tell the truth to the world. Why lying to his family? Why denying what he did for this country -" She trailed off. Webb had started to shake his head in annoyance.  
  
"You don't know the reasons, you don't know the background. You're so fast at hand to judge - without knowing anything! You don't know the world I live in. You have *no* idea how many people could get killed if we blow Galindez cover. *NO* idea. You think I like the 'classified' line? You really think that? I've signed more papers concerning security than you'll ever set your eyes on. I've been a Deputy Director of the CIA. I've been involved in more ugly operations than you'll ever know. And that's the only reason the NSA offered that job after the fiasco in Paraguay! Oh, I don't complain! It's better than having an 'accident'! But I'll never be free of these secrets! I have to live with them! And I'll die with them!"  
  
Webb came up for air and suddenly realized that he was shouting at a pregnant woman. He threw his head back in an attempt to regain control. When he looked back at Mac his gaze was sad. His gesture expressed his helplessness.  
  
"Sarah, I ... I didn't mean to..."  
  
"No!" Mac stepped forward and took his hands. She shook her head. "No," she whispered again. "You're right, Clayton. You're right - I don't know the world you live in. And I don't want to know. I understand why you have to be like that, locking everything up inside, keeping your secrets. I'm glad you came anyway. I'm very, very glad you told me that Victor's death, if it's meant to be, isn't for nothing. I shouldn't have accused you. It's just ... it's just..."  
  
Mac closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands. After a second she felt a comforting touch on her shoulder.  
  
"He was a good man, Sarah, one of the best. I owe him my life. And he deserves better - but I can't change anything this time," Clay said softly. She nodded and started to cry and after one more second Webb embraced her gently, giving her the silent comfort she needed right now.  
  
***  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I hug myself and close my eyes. Then I sigh again. Our argument had cleared the air somehow. When I was able to form a complete sentence again, we sat down and talked about the Gunny. Later I persuaded Clay into staying the night. I wasn't able to be alone after the horrible news. In silence we fixed dinner together - I fried the steak and he prepared the tomato-salad ... Strange. Somehow I had never pictured him to be a good cook but he turned out to be one. And the silence didn't feel uncomfortable. During the meal I told him about my job and he told me what it was like to work for the NSA again - at least the small part that wasn't 'classified'...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Mac's apartment, later that evening  
  
"It isn't the Agency but working as an analyst isn't so different. I've always liked languages and words... Sometimes it's just hard to stop at a certain point and hand it over to someone else."  
  
"You're missing the action," stated Mac quietly. Webb shrugged and dipped his last slice of bread into the rests of dressing on his plate.  
  
"Sometimes. But then I remember and ... think it's o.k. the way it worked out."  
  
"I see."  
  
Webb bit into his bread and gestured with the rest in her direction. "What about you? You're missing D.C.?"  
  
"Sometimes," Mac replied. She picked up her plate and stood to put it in the sink. "I lived there seven years. You get used to things in seven years."  
  
"I see."  
  
Mac glanced back to see if he was mocking her. He looked serious. She focused on her hands. "Sometimes I wish I could talk to Harriet. Discussing these ... pregnancy things. She's younger than I am but in this matter she has so much more experience ... Sometimes I really want to ask for advice."  
  
"Her phone isn't working?" Webb asked with his old sarcasm. Mac didn't answer and he narrowed his eyes. "Wait a minute. They don't know?"  
  
Mac rubbed her hands. "Things have been ... complicated."  
  
Webb came and stood by her side. "You're telling me nobody knows? *Harm* doesn't know? I mean ... it *is* Harm's, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes, it is!" Mac hissed angry, "And Chegwidden knows. And the rest is none of your business!"  
  
She walked back to the table and got the rest of the dishes. Webb watched her dumping everything into the sink and running hot water. When she started to rub furiously, he just picked up a towel and dried. After a long silence he spoke again.  
  
"I'm sorry. You're right. It's none of my business."  
  
"Glad you noticed it - ouch! Damn it!" She grabbed her belly.  
  
"Mac? What is it? You're all right?"  
  
"I'm fine," Mac grumbled through gritted teeth, "She's just practicing again." She noticed Webb's confused look. "She kicked me. She's doing it a lot lately."  
  
"Oh," Webb stared at her belly. She wasn't sure but was there ... longing in his gaze? "You already know it's a girl?"  
  
"The doctor is pretty sure. Ouch. And here she goes again."  
  
"Isn't it said to be a lovely experience for an expecting woman to feel her child move?" mocked Webb gently. Mac threw the sponge at him.  
  
"Lovely experience," she grumbled, "I've wanted to teach her kick-boxing but sometimes I think she's started rather early! Ouch! This isn't just moving, I swear she's using my stomach as a punching bag! Wanna feel? Wait - here."  
  
And impulsively she grabbed his hand and pressed it against her belly. Then she realized what she had just done. They both froze, staring at each other. Mac blushed and Webb looked slightly embarrassed.  
  
"Uhm, S- Mac?" And the baby chose this very moment to throw some punches against his hand.  
  
Webb's eyes grew round and large. His expression changed quickly from embarrassment to surprise to speechless awe. The corners of his mouth twitched at first then curled up into a stunned grin, becoming broader as he felt another round of kicks.  
  
"Oh," he was searching for words, "Oh my God. Oh. Sarah, this is ... this is wonderful!"  
  
Mac suddenly felt a lump in her throat and swallowed hard to regain control. She had seen his mask fell as he was beaten and as he was grieving and as he was angry - but never like this ... in awe for the miracle under his hands.  
  
After one more moment they stepped apart like to a secret signal. Webb picked up the sponge, handed it over and Mac continued to do the dishes. Webb ran his towel in circles over a plate. He fixed his gaze on his work.  
  
"You know, she's going to need a father," he said quietly.  
  
Mac sighed and went to clean the table. She lowered her left hand on her belly. "A father. Why do all people talk about the importance of a father? There are a lot of women in this world who are single and have a child."  
  
"There are also a lot of men in this world who marry single women with a child."  
  
Mac's jaw dropped. She spun around and stared at him. 'Did he just ...?'  
  
"W - What have you said?" she choked out.  
  
Webb held her gaze. "You know exactly what I've said."  
  
The seconds ticked by, forming to minutes. Finally Webb sighed and gave her a sad smile.  
  
"Two questions - and an honest 'no' to both, Sarah. I can't settle for less. I couldn't stand it. I think I can deal with ... a biological father being part of his child's life but..."  
  
The silence was deep and telling. In the end Webb sighed once more and turned to pick up the other plate.  
  
"We better get going or we'll never finish doing the dishes." He pretended not to see the single tear sliding down Mac's cheek. 


	9. Secrets revealed

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I turn. Was that -? Opening the door I listen for a few heartbeats. No. I walk back to Annabelle's bed and sit down beside her. The memory is overwhelming. Clayton spent the night on the couch. And when I woke up in the middle of the night for my usual visit to the bathroom - being pregnant can be sometimes *very* annoying - the sound of his soft snoring brought once more tears to my eyes. It reminded me so much of Paraguay. I did then what I had missed to do there properly: I watched him sleeping. My heart was aching. Part of me wanted to wake him up and tell him 'no and no' but ... it would have been a lie. I knew it would have been a lie. I had tried hard to sort my feelings out but Harm was still on my mind. I couldn't help it. And so Clayton left the next morning without an answer. He didn't complain. Like he had never done since this ... thing between us had started. He promised to visit Gunny for both of us. I felt bad to stay away but the main reason was that I didn't want to travel so far in my current state. Flying had never been my favorite and being pregnant didn't help. And - of course - I was afraid of meeting my friends. Seven months I had managed to keep my secret ... surprisingly enough. Well, two weeks later my luck ended abruptly. A case one of the other Pensacola lawyers had handled was rather tricky and unique. He was ordered to Washington for a full report. Well, I hadn't had the chance to ask him to treat my pregnancy as a secret ... and he blew my cover. I just came out of a meeting with my CO when a phone call came in ... and I was caught off guard by Harm's voice...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Mac's office, Pensacola  
  
"Mac!"  
  
Mac stared in shocked disbelief at the receiver she'd just picked up. Harm. Harm's voice. Her stomach tightened. He had never phoned over the past months. He had never written a letter. She had been glad about it ... and strangely disappointed at the same time. His call now could only mean one thing: He knew.  
  
"Mac? Hello? Mac, you're there?"  
  
His repeated shouts of her name brought her back to reality. Hesitantly she lifted the receiver to her ear.  
  
"Harm? Harm, why are you calling?"  
  
There was a heavy silence at the other end of the line.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
Mac closed her eyes. She had feared this question ever since she left Washington. How to tell somebody why you kept the fact that you were expecting his child a secret? Why you had stolen an important time in his life forever?  
  
"What'd have changed if I had told you?" she asked finally.  
  
"How can you ask such a question? Everything would have changed!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Of course it'd have! A kid, Mac! Our child! You know it'd have changed everything!"  
  
"A child would have changed everything," Mac repeated slowly, "A place doesn't change who we are - what we are - but a child does?"  
  
"Mac, what do you mean?"  
  
"I've asked you to marry me."  
  
"I didn't know you are expecting! But *you* have known. A single word - all that was necessary was a single word! Well, maybe two. But you decided to keep it a secret! How should I have known?"  
  
"Maybe the problem *was* that this single word was necessary." Mac felt the sting of tears in her throat. "Maybe I wanted you to marry *me* and not to marry me *because of* the child."  
  
There was once more a confused silence.  
  
"You had no right to keep it a secret," Harm said finally. And his words hurt more than Mac was able to bear. The pain melted into anger.  
  
"No right? *You* are telling me about having *no right*? How dare you, Harmon Rabb? Of all people in this world HOW DARE *YOU* TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT? We've danced around each other for years, Harm. *You* have danced around me for years! Tell me: Who was the last person to know you intended to go flying Tomcats again? I was! And tell me: Who practically begged you to say something - anything about us in Australia? *I* threw my wedding overboard for you because *you* had to go flying the day before it! And now tell me: Who told me to come to him after that and then wasn't there for me? - *NO*, Harmon Rabb junior, you have no right to talk to me like that!"  
  
"I was there for you in Paraguay. I was there for you afterwards. And I want to be there for you and the child now."  
  
"And do what, Harm? Playing family? I can't pretend, Harm. I think I *still* love you but I can't pretend. And it wouldn't be fair to our child to pretend. Don't get me wrong. What we had after Paraguay was - wonderful. But *even at that time* you were not able to trust me. You locked me out, Harm. Out of our work and out of your soul."  
  
"Mac..."  
  
"Leave me alone, Harm," Mac was suddenly very tired, "If you can't understand what I'm saying - if you can't understand me ... leave me alone."  
  
"Mac!"  
  
"Think about it, Harm. *Really* think about it. But stay away from me. It's the least thing you can do. Stay away."  
  
"Mac!" But she slammed the receiver down.  
  
Afterwards she just sat there for hours, staring into space. She wasn't crying. Those tears had been cried out a long time ago.  
  
It had never been meant to be like that. So bitter. She had never meant to keep her pregnancy a secret for so long. She had never meant to push Harm away. She had never ... She didn't know any longer what she had meant. But she knew one thing: How it was to live and grow up in a family where two people pretended too long that everything was fine, that every problem could be solved somehow. And she knew how it was when finally everything shattered to pieces. Harm lacked this experience. In his universe the priority was to have a family of father-mother-child. She, on the contrary, knew it wasn't enough. The *heart* of the family had to be intact. The understanding in the family. She had told the truth: She really thought to be still in love with him. Sometimes she needed him so badly she couldn't breathe - But right know being with him could only end in a catastrophe. And that she would never do to her child ... or to Harm.  
  
She placed both hands on her belly. Seeking strength in the contact. But she failed. 


	10. Annabelle

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
I pick up the large teddy bear Annabelle is so fond of and hug it to my chest. I had been so upset after that argument on the phone. And going on pregnancy leave wasn't really helpful. Too much time to think. So I desperately tried to keep me occupied. I don't know how my colleagues in Pensacola were able to show so much patience. The only good result of the fight with Harm was that I was free to talk to Harriet without holding anything back. I think she and Bud had been a little hurt at first ... understandable - I had lied to them over the last nine months. But they recovered quickly. Harriet offered so much encouragement and advice - I really don't know how I deserve such good friends at all. I became pretty nervous the last days before the calculated date of birth. So I was glad when my CO called to ask me a favor. I wasn't so pleased that it included getting information from my 'acquaintance in the NSA'. How he found out about Clayton is still beyond my knowledge. But it set in motion a rather strange train of events...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Mac's apartment, Pensacola  
  
Hesitantly Mac dialed the cell phone number Clay had given to her before he'd left. She was relieved to get the voicemail. Quickly she hung up without leaving a message and called her CO back.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sir, I wasn't able to reach my friend."  
  
"It doesn't matter, Colonel, we'll find another way. Well, have a good day then. Goodbye."  
  
"Goodbye, Sir."  
  
Mac stood and stretched, pressing both hands against the small of her back. She groaned softly. Being nine months pregnant was far away from being a pleasure - it was more a punishment! Little cramps seemed to have move up and down her spine all morning and now her stomach started to tighten every now and then, making her even more uncomfortable.  
  
She stopped abruptly. Wait a minute: Cramps in her back, cramps in her stomach - really her stomach? She suddenly felt sweat on her forehead.  
  
"O.k., stay calm, Marine," she scolded herself and counted the minutes between the cramps. Yes, there was a pattern. It wasn't her stomach - the contractions of the birth had started.  
  
The first thing she felt was an overwhelming attack of panic. Taking deep breaths, as she had been told in the course, she managed to fight it down. She went to check the list hanging on the fridge - also as been told in the course. She had thought it was stupid when the course instructor had handed it out but now she saw it in a different light.  
  
"Let's see ... ask you husband or friend to drive you or call a cab - don't try to drive by yourself. Turn off your cell phone - nothing can be so important right now. Make sure all faucets are closed. Take care that the stove and the oven are turned off. Close the blinds if it's a hot day. Turn off the radio and the television set. Ask the neighbor to look after your animals - I think I can skip that point."  
  
By the time Mac had finished the list and grabbed her ready-bag the cab had arrived. After one last look she locked the apartment door and slowly went downstairs. Just as the cab pulled out into the traffic the phone in her apartment started ringing. It rang three minutes straight until it stopped.  
  
***  
  
- Naval hospital, Pensacola, almost six hours later  
  
"This isn't fair!" Mac almost wailed, sweat running down her face, "This just isn't fair! It isn't supposed to take so long!"  
  
"Relax," the midwife advised for the hundredth time, "It's not unusual for the first child to take longer. And you're over thirty."  
  
"Oh, I see," growled Mac and took some more steps, "Now it's my fault." She gasped as another labor pain tightened her belly.  
  
"Oooh, I HATE ALL MEN!" she groaned out.  
  
"Well, that's a welcome to remember," stated a familiar voice behind her back. Mac's eyes grew wide. She turned slowly, almost sure she was hallucinating. But it *was* Clayton Webb at the entrance, clad in hospital green.  
  
"Clay?! What are you doing here? How did you know? How - ouch." Her sentence was interrupted by the next contraction. Webb came to her side and supported her gently. He smiled but seemed a little bit nervous.  
  
"Well, I saw your phone number on my cell phone. I tried to call back but there wasn't an answer. Then I tried your cell phone -" Mac thought immediately of the list. "- and after that your number at the office. Nobody was able to tell me your whereabouts. So I started to get a little concerned. And after an hour ... and still no answer ... well, I took the next flight down here. The rest was a piece of cake."  
  
"Really?" Mac grunted and walked carefully across the room, Webb at her side. She wiped sweat off her brow. The midwife watched them for a second to be sure her help wasn't needed at the moment and then busied herself with taking notes in a file, smiling as the exchange went on.  
  
"Oh, yes, really," Webb tried to get a better hold on her for the turn, "First I visited your apartment. I'm sorry but I picked the lock."  
  
"You did what?" Mac breathed deeply in and out but still found the time to shoot him a disbelieving look.  
  
"I locked it properly afterwards, I promise. Then I went to your office - and the hospital was the next item on the list. When I asked for you they forced me directly into this ugly green ... So here I am." He looked suddenly insecure. "I mean ... is - is it o.k.? That I'm here? Or is it -"  
  
Mac stopped him with a wet pat on the cheek. "I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're caring so much. And I -" She pressed the hand on her back and groaned, "I WISH SHE'D HURRY UP!"  
  
They walked some minutes in silence. At the next turning point Webb glanced over to her.  
  
"Uhm, S- Mac? I don't know but shouldn't you lie down or at least sit down or something like that?"  
  
"No," she rubbed her belly, "That's old-fashioned. The motion is helping to bear the pain."  
  
"Old-fashioned, huh? Hey, don't look at my like that. Maybe the books I've read have been a little bit old."  
  
"You've read books about giving birth?"  
  
Webb actually blushed. "Well ... you see ... a friend of mine was pregnant - is pregnant ... and - What?"  
  
Mac had started to giggle. "I like seeing you squirm."  
  
"You like that? When did you become such a monster?" Webb wondered aloud. Mac giggled even more.  
  
"Right after the fifth hour in labor. Now - oh. Oh?"  
  
"Sarah?" Webb looked her up and down, obviously worried by the frown on her face. The midwife looked up and was immediately at her side.  
  
"Something has changed," Mac stated thoughtfully then she grimaced, "Ouch! That was - *Ouch!* - definitely - *uh* - harder - *Jesus* - than before!"  
  
"Sit down for a moment," the midwife ordered calmly. She checked her quickly and nodded satisfied. "That's much better. We can start now."  
  
And so they did. After horrible twenty minutes Mac found her rhythm. She pushed and breathed and pushed, grabbing Webb's fingers tightly as a lifeline.  
  
"Why on earth was I so gun-ho about having a child?" she panted in a pause, "Adoption is such a nice word!"  
  
"That's nature," replied Webb somewhat suppressed, "Ah - Mac - if you don't mind ... is it possible to have my hand back in one piece afterwards?"  
  
Mac pushed again, squeezing his hand even harder.  
  
"Sorry," she groaned when she had enough air again, "But for that you have to fill out a request-form in triplicate."  
  
"It's comforting to hear you still have your humor left."  
  
"I'm just hanging on, Clay, just hanging on."  
  
The next contraction took over and under the encouraging comments of the midwife, the doctor and Webb Mac pulled all her strength together and screamed like in combat. The relief started somewhere under her ribs, sliding down her body and she fell back. Through her pants and her own heartbeat she barley heard the midwife anymore but the tiny squeak turning into a good cry was perfectly clear.  
  
"Oh God," she whispered. The sudden emptiness was terrifying and for a moment she wasn't able to focus on anything else.  
  
"Here she is ... look where your mommy is, my little girl, look where she is."  
  
Mac's eyes flew open and she stared in awe at the tiny bundle the midwife was gently lowering into her arms. Instinctively she cradled her daughter against her chest.  
  
"Oh. Oh, baby. Oh, my sweet darling." She looked up to Webb. "She's so beautiful."  
  
"Yes. Yes, she is," he whispered back, an awesome smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. First he hesitated but then he couldn't resist any longer and reached out, tracing a finger over one of the tiny fists. "She's perfect, Sarah."  
  
The newborn girl had stopped crying and was looking around with big blue baby eyes. Mac smiled down at her. Completely captured.  
  
"You've already chosen a name, Sarah?" the midwife asked gently.  
  
Mac nodded slowly. She glanced up to Webb and back down on her daughter, rocking her softly. Then she made a quick decision.  
  
"Annabelle Porter Mackenzie," she said quietly, "Welcome in this world, my little darling."  
  
Webb made a strangled sound, bent down impulsively and kissed Mac's brow. Then he turned in a fluid motion and walked a few steps away, fighting visibly for control. Mac focused on her daughter to give him some privacy.  
  
With the help of the midwife she tried to nurse the baby for the first time and Annabelle - learning quickly - was soon busy with her first meal, her watery eyes never leaving Mac's face. There seemed to be so much surprise and so many unanswered questions in her gaze. Mac smiled reassuringly. She glanced over to Clayton and saw him quickly brushing his eyes before he came back. He swept a sweaty strain of hair off Mac's cheek.  
  
"Thank you," he whispered, "Thank you so much."  
  
"I regret, I've never known her in person," answered Mac honestly.  
  
After some minutes of silence Webb sighed deeply. "Come back to Washington."  
  
Mac held her gaze fixed on Annabelle's tiny body. "There's nothing I can return to. I even gave up my apartment when I moved down here."  
  
"You can stay at my house until... It's big enough - you don't have to see me if you don't want to."  
  
"It's difficult," Mac whispered helplessly. Webb didn't answer. But he placed a supporting hand on her shoulder. 


	11. One more visitor

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
That day ... the day of Ann's birth ... it was the happiest day in my life. It was horrible - at least some parts of it - but it was the truly happiest day in my whole life. When I look at Annabelle as I do now, I still remember the first time I held her in my arms, the first time I touched her. I remember Clay's tears when I named her after his mother with her middle name. Clay had to leave with the first flight the next morning. He didn't press the subject of homecoming and I was grateful for it. I wasn't ready to return. Well, all right - I was too cowardly. I didn't know what to do, how to act ... so I did nothing. I kept telling myself that I deserved to enjoy the first days with my daughter - and that everything else had to wait. I tried to rearrange my life after I came out of hospital. That's not easy with a newborn baby. Plus I had to deal with the visits of my colleagues. I have to say ... I was a little bit ... disappointed that no one of JAG headquarters showed up immediately. That Harm didn't show up. I had talked to Harriet on the phone and she nearly jumped through the line in her enthusiasm ... it hurt a little that nobody showed up. I should have known better. But I had never expected *this* visitor to knock on my door...  
  
***  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Mac's apartment, Pensacola  
  
"Admiral!" Mac realized she was staring with her mouth open and shut it abruptly. She opened the door wider. "Please come in."  
  
"Mac," Chegwidden maneuvered his bouquet of flowers, a bag and a huge teddy bear through the door and looked her up and down. "Well, Colonel, to be a mother suits you. You're looking good."  
  
Mac blushed and fortunately Annabelle chose this moment to squeal. Chegwidden handed her resolutely the flowers and the bag with a short comment about 'presents' and walked over to the crib.  
  
"And this has to be Miss Annabelle Porter Mackenzie." He reached in and picked her up. Annabelle stared at him with big eyes. Then the buttons of his uniform caught her attention and she made a first try to touch them with her fist. Chegwidden tickled her under the chin until she moved her lips in an attempt to smile. When he showed her the bear her eyes grew even bigger.  
  
Mac finally shut the door and grinned at the sight of the former seal, playing so delighted with a baby. She put the flowers in a vase and the bag on the table and started pulling things out.  
  
"How is everybody at JAG?"  
  
"Just fine, Colonel, just fine. I had to impose a total ban on leave or the office would have been empty by now. Look at the presents."  
  
First came a little dress in khaki with the writing *I'm a Marine - so watch it!* from Bud and Harriet. Mac giggled. A set of plastic animals also to use as building blocks - washable and suitable for little babies - was Sturgis' present. Coates had sent a moon to hang up that played a melody after pulling a cord and Tiner a matching bed lamp in the form of a star. The next thing she pulled out of the bag was an envelope with a funny congratulation card - a grinning baby, bouncing up and down on its diaper yelling: 'Here I am! Here I am!' - signed by almost the whole staff.  
  
"The staff is collecting for little Ann here, so you can buy something nice," added Chegwidden without turning around, "Talk to Harriet. And by the way, the bear is from Meredith and me."  
  
Mac didn't answer. She held the last envelope of the bag in her hands. A simple 'Sarah' was written across the front ... and she immediately noticed Harm's handwriting. Her fingers trembled slightly as she opened it and unfolded the note. She read it once, wiped her eyes to clear her sight and then read it again.  
  
'Dear Sarah,  
  
I'm so glad to hear you and the baby are fine. And I'm so sorry I wasn't there to share this moment with you. I've thought a lot lately, like you wanted me to do. I've thought about everything we've said or done - and about the things we haven't said or done. Please, Mac, I want to talk to you. I know I should have taken action earlier but I don't want to press you again. We can work this out if we try. But we have to talk. Just tell me when and where.  
  
Harm'  
  
Mac carefully laid the paper on the table and sat down on the next chair. She buried her face in her hands. This was it, wasn't it? This was what she had been waiting for. Harm made the first move - and without pressing her. Harm ... she pictured his face, his eyes, his slender fingers. She remembered working together, laughing together, being together. But at the same time she saw Clay giving her a broad grin while Annabelle was moving under his hand, saw him carefully offering support but being always ready to back off if she wanted him to ... saw the pain in his eyes after he had kissed her in his house. Mac groaned and slapped the table with her fist. Why - WHY had life to be so DIFFICULT?  
  
"I've heard a lot about your good work lately." Chegwidden's voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up and watched him walking in circles a happily kicking Annabelle in his arms. "I've also been told that your talents are wasted down here."  
  
Mac swallowed. "Thank you, Sir."  
  
Chegwidden held her gaze. "Webb mentioned you're sometimes missing D.C."  
  
Mac narrowed her eyes and got up. "He's talking about me behind my back?!"  
  
Chegwidden's gaze turned into his old iron glare. "No, Colonel, *I* was talking behind your back after the meeting with the SecNav - which was, by the way, scheduled a day earlier but had been canceled rather short term because the man who should provide the necessary information was suddenly on his way to Pensacola. *Webb* played gentleman and said you're a grown up woman and fully capable of taking your own decisions."  
  
Mac blushed and looked away. Chegwidden rocked the wailing Ann. "Concerning the last point I have my doubts," he added dryly.  
  
Blushing even more Mac walked to the window and looked out. She hugged herself.  
  
"What ... what else did he say?" she asked hesitantly.  
  
Chegwidden sighed. "Not much more. But it wasn't necessary. Webb is not easy to see through sometimes but over the years I have learnt to read between the lines."  
  
Mac smiled sadly. Yes, there had been a time when Webb hadn't been easy to see through at all - when he had hidden his feelings so well she'd never suspected anything.  
  
"This is so difficult," she said after a while, "This is all so difficult."  
  
"Mac..." Chegwidden's voice had lost his coldness, "Let me tell you something. After my divorce from Marcella I wasted a lot of time thinking about what would have happened if we had both tried a little harder ... if there had been anything we could have made different. Sometimes it's hard to move on ... but there isn't a choice. Nobody can live in the past. There's no use in IF or MAYBE. A decision *has to* be a decision. And if you have to take one ... do it with your whole heart. It took me a long and hard time to learn this lesson. Don't make the same mistake now."  
  
He hesitated visibly as if he wanted to add something but thought better of it. Instead he laid Annabelle gently back in her bed and took his hat. At the door he turned around and looked at her. His face revealed nothing.  
  
"I need an assistant to the SecNav in Washington - or a judge. Think about this too. But don't take too long."  
  
Mac pressed her hands together and shut her eyes as the door closed behind him. He was right. Webb was right. And Harm was right. There was a decision to take ... and in the end it was hers. Only hers.  
  
***  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
As usual AJ looked deeper and understood more than I had thought to be possible. His offer of two different jobs was more than I deserved. Assistant to the SecNav - and being able to be with Harm without breaking the rules. Or to choose Clay ... and work either for the SecNav to avoid Harm or take the position of a judge - and face Harm under these circumstances. Anyway I had to decide soon. And so I boarded a train to Washington D.C. not yet two weeks after having given birth to my daughter. I bend forward and touch Ann's back with my fingertips. The heat of her body is calming me down, softening the discomfort the memory is bringing back. I had written Harm an e-mail and - after a hard fight with myself - placed a phone call to Clayton. The same reason that was holding me back from taking a plane made me accepting his offer to stay at his house. Traveling with a newborn baby hadn't been an easy decision and I couldn't do it to my daughter to stay at a hotel. Clay had sent his limousine to meet me at the station and it was Harrison who welcomed me in his house. Harrison showed me the rooms he had prepared, handed me the keys for a car and told me in a dry voice that Clay was working late - no doubt with the intention of giving me the opportunity to see Harm first ... and to protect himself against the pain. Once more he was willing to let me go. It made me feel bad and the tension, which had increased steadily throughout the journey, was tightening my stomach. After a little freshening up I followed the well-known route to Harm's apartment. It was a strange feeling to drive through the streets of Washington again, to see and remember and try to understand. I was shaking as I parked the car and I had to steady myself with some deep breaths until I was calm enough to unbuckle Annabelle's seat and climb up the stairs to Harm's door... 


	12. Sarah's decision

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
---  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
- Harm's apartment  
  
Harm hadn't changed one bit. It was Mac's first thought when he opened the door. He looked so much the same - his dark hair, his open face, his blue eyes ... focusing immediately on Annabelle in her seat. He stared then he smiled - his flyboy-grin and her heart jumped at the sight.  
  
He stepped aside and she walked slowly into the big room. Memories flooded over her. She remembered the way he held her, kissed her... Shaking her head she approached the kitchen-counter and set Ann's seat down. Her daughter was watching with big eyes which had lost the pale baby-blue by now and were getting darker and browner with each day. Carefully she picked her up and faced Harm again.  
  
"Meet your father, Ann," she whispered. Harm's face brightened like she had never seen it before. Hesitantly he reached out and she placed his daughter into his arms.  
  
"Hello, darling, hello." His grin was so happy, so relaxed. He looked quickly up and Mac saw tears in his eyes. "She's so beautiful, Mac. She's so beautiful."  
  
He rocked her gently and Annabelle gurgled in delight. She waved her arms in an attempt to reach his face. Harm laughed softly. He wasn't able to take his eyes off her. Mac sat down and watched them being together. Her heart was aching.  
  
After a while Ann started yawning. The long day was taking its toll. She wailed a few minutes and then fell asleep. Together they settled her back in her seat. Their hands touched while they were straightening her clothes and embarrassed they stepped apart. A tension started to build in the room.  
  
Harm looked long at his daughter and then started pacing up and down. Mac watched his movement in silence. Finally Harm stopped in front of the window. He looked at her and quickly away as if afraid of what he could maybe see in her eyes.  
  
"She's wonderful."  
  
"Yes, she is," agreed Mac quietly.  
  
"I've heard that ... Webb was there when she was born."  
  
Mac looked away. "Well, it was ... more by accident."  
  
A heavy silence fell between them. Harm looked out of the window and Mac down at her hands. Harm was the first to speak again.  
  
"Maybe I should have come after you the moment you've left Washington."  
  
"I've given you every reason not to," replied Mac in a whisper.  
  
"When have I ever done what somebody else wanted me to do, huh, Mac?" Harm smiled sadly without turning around. "I certainly should have come after I've learnt of our baby."  
  
"I didn't give you much of a chance, did I, Harm." Mac crossed her arms as if to protect herself. "I know there's no excuse I didn't tell you when I went into labor."  
  
Harm turned to look at her.  
  
"I - I thought about it but ..." Mac interrupted herself and searched for the best words. "I wasn't able to bear another fight," she whispered finally. "I wasn't sure if you ... what you ... You never called after our last fight. You never ... I thought you didn't want us any more." She bit her lower lip. Her gaze was fixed on her arms. "I know I had asked you to stay away. I wasn't able to ... I know this isn't an excuse."  
  
Harm was silent for a long time. His gaze fell on the sleeping Annabelle.  
  
"He didn't tell you, did he?"  
  
Mac frowned confused and searched his eyes. "Who?"  
  
"Chegwidden."  
  
"Told me what?"  
  
"I was on a carrier in the Indian Ocean."  
  
Mac needed a second to gather the meaning of his words.  
  
"Oh," she whispered finally, "Well, I never told you when -"  
  
"I can count, Mac," Harm interrupted. "And Harriet made *very* sure I knew the exact date."  
  
"Oh," repeated Mac after a while. She had to look away. But Harm wasn't finished yet.  
  
"I'd been so sure you would call." Harm turned to the window again. "I was angry, Mac. And hurt. And I wanted to hurt you too. I wanted you to call ... and find out I wasn't there."  
  
Mac pressed a hand to her mouth to suppress the sudden wave of nausea.  
  
"You should have seen Chegwidden's face when I told him I wanted this assignment," continued Harm slowly. "I had been so sure you would call. And then ... Sturgis called to tell me the news. And I suddenly realized what I had done to myself. How much it backfired." He turned back to the room. "But it was already too late. I realized - really realized - how childish I behaved ... how vindictive. Maybe there isn't an excuse for this too."  
  
Silence. They kept looking at each other - both unable to make the next move. Mac lifted her chin in a desperate attempt to keep the tears from falling.  
  
"We screwed this up pretty good, didn't we?" asked Harm finally.  
  
Mac nodded and quickly brushed the tear away that had escaped on her cheek. She cleared her throat twice before she trusted her voice again.  
  
"You know how important *trust* is to me, Harm. And to stand up for myself."  
  
"And both I denied to you - that's what you want to tell me?" Harm sighed. "I think I've - always wanted to protect my mother. I knew how much she missed my father and I ... wanted to protect her. Even as a child. I guess I never stopped to protect ... anybody. Maybe I was disappointed that ... you didn't want me to."  
  
"To protect isn't to love," Mac whispered.  
  
"No," agreed Harm, "It isn't." He ran a hand through his hair. "But I loved Diane and wasn't able to protect her."  
  
Mac shivered. Here it was again: The shadow of that woman who had looked like her twin. The shadow of a dead woman she had always been afraid of somehow - because she knew she was still holding a part of Harm's heart she would never be able to reach.  
  
"You told me I've danced around you for years, Mac ... And you're right. But ... I've always..." Harm suddenly moved forward and closed the distance between them with a few steps. He locked eyes with her. "I've always been afraid that - if I let you in my heart - I would loose you like I had lost Diane."  
  
Mac swallowed hard because of the pain so visible on his face ... and knew at the same time that it was matching the pain in her own eyes.  
  
"I'm not Diane." Harm had to read her lips to understand the words. He shook his head with a bitter-sweet smile.  
  
"No, you're not, Sarah. And somehow you sneaked into my heart and I wasn't able to push you out again - not matter how much I tried. I know I've been over-protective. I know sometimes I haven't been very fair to you. You're a strong woman and I should respect this. Though we both made our fair share of mistakes, don't you think that too?"  
  
Mac grimaced. "Oh, yes, Harm. Oh, yes."  
  
Harm took a deep breath. He looked at his daughter and then back to the woman in front of him. In a gentle gesture he placed both hands on her shoulders.  
  
"So many mistakes," he sighed, "So much pain and so much wasted time. Sarah. I can't promise you that there will be no more mistakes. I can't promise you I will never again be over-protective. But what I *can* promise is ... that I'm willing to try - honestly try. For you, Sarah, for us ... and for our baby." He breathed again deeply. "I know this isn't much, but -"  
  
He stopped because Mac had started to shake slowly her head. She reached up and covered his hands with hers but continued to shake her head. Two single tears were running down her face.  
  
"I can't, Harm. I - just can't," she whispered, choking with the words. "It ... it isn't there anymore. It somehow ... just isn't there anymore."  
  
And that was the final truth. Now she knew what she had missed since she entered his apartment. Since she saw him again and thought how little he had changed. But she had. She couldn't deny it any longer. The spark - this wild and burning and self-destructive spark of her love - it wasn't there. At least not like it had been before.  
  
Harm saw the truth in her eyes and he shut his own because of the tears shining there too. His grip tightened around her shoulders.  
  
"I should have come running to you before you ever took one step in the direction of Paraguay. I should have come running to you in Australia," he whispered bitterly. Mac pressed his hands but didn't answer.  
  
Harm opened his eyes again and glanced to his daughter, so peacefully asleep.  
  
"You - you won't try to keep her away from me, will you?"  
  
Mac pushed his hands away, angry and hurt.  
  
"How can you say that? How can you even *think* that about me?" she hissed through gritted teeth. "You're her father. You'll always be a part of her life. You'll always *have to* be a part of her life! Yes, I've made mistakes concerning you and me - oh, lots and lots of mistakes! But I would never... I would never...!"  
  
She spun around and walked away like the motion could ease the pain. Now it was her turn to stare out of the window.  
  
"No, you wouldn't, Mac," stated Harm after a while. "I shouldn't have said it. I - I guess I'm still having a big mouth ... and am thinking afterwards."  
  
Mac turned back to face him and sighed regretfully. "We've always been good at pushing each others buttons."  
  
Harm exhaled deeply and nodded. "You think we can find a way to avoid this in the future?"  
  
Mac looked at her daughter - their daughter. She made a small gesture with her hand.  
  
"We have the best reason to try."  
  
Harm followed her gaze and smiled. Still a little bit bitter but with less pain.  
  
"So tell me: What if she decides to join the Navy and not the Marine Corps?"  
  
Mac shrugged. "I'll deal."  
  
Harm searched her eyes, his smile growing a tiny bit brighter. "And if she decides to go flying?"  
  
Mac noticed there was a little smile on her face too. "I'll deal," she repeated.  
  
Now the corner of Harm's mouth twitched. "And if she decides to become an astronaut?"  
  
This time Mac laughed shortly. "Harmon Rabb junior, what else should I know about your secret dreams?"  
  
They shared a smile before growing serious again.  
  
"Where are you staying?" Harm asked without looking at her.  
  
Mac swallowed. "At Clay's. I ... I couldn't stay in a hotel. I couldn't..."  
  
Harm pressed his lips together. "He's one lucky bastard," he whispered barely audible, "I hope he knows how lucky he is." He raised a brow at her. "I hope you don't mind when I remind him about it - let's say ... the next fifty years or so."  
  
"No, Harm, I don't," answered Mac with a sad smile. She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped resolutely her face. Then she picked up Annabelle in her seat. Harm came to her side and carefully caressed the face of his daughter. He walked Mac to the door in silence.  
  
Mac had one foot in the doorway when he held her back. For a second they just looked at each other. And then Harm took a sudden step forward and hugged her tightly. Mac returned the gesture with her free hand, clenching the back of his shirt in her fist.  
  
"At least friends, Mac? If we try?" Harm whispered sadly and Mac nodded against his chest.  
  
"Always, Harm. Always."  
  
Harm stepped back and once more they looked at each other - and for the first time there were no more unspoken words left between them.  
  
***  
  
THE PRESENT  
  
- Webb residence  
  
I wipe a last tear out of the corner of my eye. I've cried so many tears over these years, these last months ... enough for the rest of my lifetime. But I'm not that innocent. There'll be fights and arguments. There are so many things to take care of. So many decisions. I want to work at JAG headquarters again - in this clear world of duty and regulations. I may be a more than bad judge in my privat life ... but I know I can be a good one there. I don't mind if I - due to our 'family-bond' - can never handle cases together with Harm. I have to ask Chegwidden for advice in this matter. And we still have to arrange so many things between Harm and me ... and Clay. So many opportunities to make mistakes. I'm afraid to face the future - but I will. For my daughter ... and for myself.  
  
I look up because there's a sound outside the room. First I hear Harrison talk and then the voice I've been waiting for since I returned from Harm's apartment. Clay has finally come home. I can almost feel his questioning gaze through the walls but he isn't entering the room. I can't help but smile - still a little bit sad. So sometimes you are a coward too, huh, Clayton?  
  
I glance down at my daughter to make sure she's still asleep. Then I walk out into the corridor and over to the door leading to Clay's bedroom. He's halfway out of his suit jacket as I come in and he freeze for a moment before freeing his arms completely and carefully laying it down on a chair. He's looking at me, waiting, and as I walk up to him I can see the fight of hope and fear in his face. And I know his mask is torn away completely, leaving him more vulnerable than I've ever seen him before.  
  
I stop at arms length and look at him. And for the first time in my life I'm sure. Entirely and beyond any doubt. I make sure my eyes are never leaving his as I give him the honest answer he has always deserved.  
  
"It isn't. And you are not."  
  
I see understanding dawning in his face. And finally I take the last step, sliding my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder.  
  
I feel his body rise and fall in a deep, deep sigh. Relief, love, a rest of fear and so much more is in this sigh. And then his arms are around me and his cheek is nestling softly in my hair.  
  
"I love you, Sarah Mackenzie. I love you so much."  
  
His whisper is barely reaching my ear but I understand it as clearly as he understands my answering "I love you too, Clayton". I smile because it's the first time these words have been spoken aloud - from both of us. And I'm leaning in closer if possible.  
  
Life is such a tangled mystery. It twists and it turns, it throws you upside down and spins you around ... And in the end all these twists and turns have led me to this house, this room and this man. I know a tiny part of me will always be in love with Harm. He's the father of my child. I owe him that much. But the painful question *what if* will never be there. Because I know one thing for sure:  
  
Maybe my love for Clayton will never be as wild and uncontrollable and nearly obsessive as my love for Harm has been. Maybe it will not be as deep - and painful.  
  
But it's strong and it's growing day by day and it feels ... yes, *RIGHT* - I can't find a better word to describe it.  
  
And that's just the way it is.  
  
***  
  
The End.  
  
Author's note:  
  
I don't want to ruin the mood of the final chapter that's the only reason why I put this in an extra one. (Correction here, due to the clarification of the site guidelines announced December 13th, 2003 there's no extra chapter any more).  
  
First of all:  
  
A *BIG *FAT* THANK YOU* for all the reviews. You inspired me to add some details and I've never expected to get that much.  
  
Well, and sorry shippers: My story, my ending - please respect it and don't throw anything.  
  
This story has been about Mac and her struggle to find happiness somehow. Just in case anybody wanted to ask: No, I really *don't* think there'll be a sequel. Though you should never say never.  
  
Anyway I'm going to be very busy for the rest of this month and unfortunately this includes being nowhere near a computer most of the time - at least none I can write or post a story with. For those who want to see more of my work: Sorry, you have to be patient. But I'll be back afterwards. 


End file.
